enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Notes to self. Salvage Saturday,, in spite of its weight. Turn it back over to the wants.

I'm having a moment.

But that's OK. I'm supposed to write about why I want things, and why I think I *should* do things.

I slept very long last night. In fact, I only got out of bed at 11 a.m. That's unusual for me, but obviously I needed it. I'll continue to nurture myself during my "me" time. That's cool. Plus that's a want!

The psychologist gave me a funny look last night when he asked me about what I give of myself or do that doesn't have an expected outcome attached. He then said, "You don't know what body wants are, do you?" He smiled. "You're used to thinking of every action, even a kind one, as having a point or a goal or a specific outcome attached to it."

I guess that's basically true.

I have a funny habit of reading fashion blogs. Really, I look at them. I love to look at pictures of beautiful clothes.

But then I start to feel badly about myself because I've always felt badly about my femininity, or lack thereof. And then I start to think, "Gee, but I can change the way that I dress, start buying more feminine things (and not feel guilty about doing this."

Now I'm wondering if the clothes thing is just another message from the parent voice, i.e. "I should dress in a more feminine way because then other people will be more attracted to me and will love me more."

I don't know what is the truth. So I'm confusing even the wants and the shoulds, can't distinguish between them.

My solution: turn off the thoughts and make a delicious cup of chai tea. I'm enjoying that cuppa enormously at the moment. It's going to be that simple for me right now. I'll do this in stages. :)

So the other thing that is weighing on me this afternoon is that I relisted my profile on that dating site that I paid for eight months ago. I actually feel quite lighthearted and unserious about it and not at all worried about meeting a few people and oh... what the hell.

The feeling I get though from the guys who are writing to me is that I could be any random girl. I don't see any reason in their profiles that we would be a match. The last guy, for example, a perfectly normal-looking guy, had almost no information in his profile but, "I don't really read any books, although lately I've been reading textbooks for my M.B.A."

!?

The guy previous, quite a nice-looking guy, had something like, "Civil servant. Ordinary guy who works out, eats, sleeps and works. I don't smile much so it's difficult to tell if I'm enjoying a situation; once I'm smiling I'm too far gone."

Welcome to Florence!?

All I can tell you - and I'm not getting discouraged here yet - is that I miss Marco, or at least the idea of Marco, obviously, which is what it always was. What I miss is the personality and tastes, which seem to be impossible to find in a man in this city. I'm just not the MBA type.

OK. Will try not to cry.

Good news! I just discovered that it is only 12 below today. I will go for a run!

1:33 p.m. - 2009-01-17

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