enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Do you really need to know that?

All I have the energy to say tonight is...so fucking tired.

I think I must have a sinus infection, because my head (and that includes the grey stuff inside) has been working at half speed. I have a giant headache right above my right eyebrow.

It occurs to me, as I think of it, since I complain often of sinus problems, that I might consider going to the doctor about this.

My brain was going full bore on a million different programs today. I finally was able to leave work at about 8. C. was over to watch something on tv, so I slouched down beside him for a while (him in the chair and me on the floor, since I couldn't be bothered to empty stuff from my other easy chair and move it over). I slurped up a bowl of pasta and then steamed some kale. Not a very interesting dinner but really...I couldn't be arsed.

C. recommended that I try some yoga or do some other exercise, or plan to get up in the morning to go for a run.

Right! I don't know when I ran out of energy, exactly, but I don't think I can lift a leg let alone run around tonight. Also, getting up at 7 a.m. in the dark to run in -31 isn't exactly my idea of a good time. I don't know about you. I have a difficult enough time stripping off my warm pjs and getting into the shower in the morning. I really don't like mornings.

Last night's yoga was excellent (except for the strange woman behind me who kept on sticking her bum in my face because she didn't seem to want to stay on her own mat. Welcome to Florence!?). When the cold snap ends I'll get out running again. It's just not fun when it is below about -15.

Soo...I think that that is it. I felt like poo at work again. I worked like a dog, feeling very low about myself - incompetent, slow and stressed. C. tells me that I should think in relative terms, because there are not many people who could do my job in the first instance. He suggests that I think of it as me being better than the alternative in the position. Somehow that seems logical, but I can't quite convince myself of it. Either way, it sucks. I was walking home and of course I realize that I don't have a bad job, but I was thinking about myself staring at wee numbers for 11 hours today and really...it made me sad.

Do you know, I forgot to say to Anna the other day that I completely agree: bathing myself in the beauty of Italy over Christmas was a good idea. I certainly am not getting any beauty in my office with the grey tweed walls.

Maybe I should put up a mirror. ;-)

That really is it. My head is about to explode. I'm going to pour a little bit of wine (I've earned it today) and will curl up in my chair. I'm getting old before my time. But one day at a time. I will make a change.

10:07 p.m. - 2009-01-15

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