enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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You look good, baby, even though your soul is empty.

I just wrote a silly entry and then deleted it (only to now be replaced by an even sillier entry).

I had a crap day, but who cares? I'm going to yoga in a few short minutes.

The way I view my life right now is as a duel between the way that my work deflates my confidence and the confidence that I should have in myself simply for being me. The fact that the two have been conflated is at the root of the loneliness and despair of the last few years.

I have a choice to be different and to think differently.

I wish I had something interesting to say. My knees nearly fell off today it was so cold outside. We have an Arctic air mass sitting over Ottawa at the moment. I wore my giant brown, down sausage coat. Every now and then it's fun to be a brown Michelin man with only a pair of beady eyes peering out from under a giant hood.

The sky was pristinely blue and beautiful today. I wish I could show it to you but it didn't occur to me to take my camera out. I should start to think more like a tourist. In fact, I took a long coffee break in the middle of my French class in the morning, and I actually stayed in the coffee shop to enjoy the sun and drink out of a mug rahter than hurry back to class... ;-)

In other news, I still haven't written to Marco. I probably will in the next couple of days. I'm going to leave it at light and friendly. Friends we will be. No worries there.

I've been thinking about uploading my profile to that dating site for which I paid until April of this year. Not sure. I think it's fairly useless and not the way to go, but perhaps there's nothing to lose. It could be a test of my resolve to sustain my confidence in spite of miserable job stress and anxiety.

We shall see.

Do you know that a lot of men smiled at me and said hello yesterday, men who never do so normally? It's quite funny when you look up and notice these things. I really didn't believe that clothes would make a big difference with men in the workplace, but it seems that men really are that simple - like birds or fish who spot a bright colour. :)

I don't know. I'm talking nonsense at the moment. My current goal - for this week, that is - is to get that creativity book that Anna recommended and to read my Leonardo book! This is my goal - to get the creativity juices flowing. Saturday I must go to R.'s memorial service. I think that there's a showing of a National Film Board film on Saturday night that I want to attend. Things will pick up. I ought not to fear.

I'll perhaps write something more coherent after my yoga. Please DO NOT feel obligated to read any of this drivel. Perhaps I'll just make it a pictorial entry.

6:25 p.m. - 2009-01-14

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