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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sunday morning on the sunny side of the street

Ha ha ha! Can someone point me to where on the Internet I can buy nice lilac panties? (The options in Ottawa are abysmal - isn't bad lingerie the best indicator of a dull city (who needs restaurant reviews or price indices. :))

Thanks dudes and dudettes, for your notes!! I'll pass on your congratulations to C.

The whole Ph.D. thing at this point is a big joke between us. C. basically took it to the very last day that he could possibly submit, after 8 years. His supervisor had a big laugh over it as well.

The thing is that C. realized pretty early on that he is not really well-suited to economics. He struggles with the math and his understanding of statistics is not the best. :) He got through the degree simply through the general force of his intellect.

I think it was a great test for him to go through this, because I knew that he could do it in the end and I think that he learned through the process that he has to not waste so much time in the future by idling in fear. (Don't we all need to understand and learn that lesson?) So many of the years of this Ph.D. were spent twirling the food on his plate, so to speak.

But it's done now and he can put it behind him and focus on figuring out what his "mission" in the government will be. The Ph.D. will get him a bit of cachet, but he has yet to find the environment in which he will be functioning optimally. I look forward to watching the future for C., however, as he blossoms and grows - professionally, but most especially personally. I really do feel as though he's my younger brother; as though I've been a part of his growth process.

Well, of course I have, as he has been of mine.

Soo..unfortunately I am sick today. I guess the run was too much. I woke up with a temperature and an ache in my lower back, a headache and very pale skin.

I'll be OK. The day is LOVELY and sunny and I'm going to make the most of it by sitting in my living room with a book or a sketchpad.

So I have to tell you that I've definitely turned a corner. I feel so much confidence and faith in the future, I can't tell you!

I've figured out that for me the mantra is RELAX. RELAX. Just RELAX.

My conscious mind is shit. I should never "think" about things. Really, I'm an intuitive person. Thinking is my evil, poorly functioning shadow person. Thinking is absolutely banished from my kingdom.

What I need to do is RELAX and let my subconscious mind do the work. It will take me where I need to go. The only caveat to this is that I need to figure out how to simultaneously permit my conscious mind to evaluate and discard the most damaging impulses. My impulses always get me into trouble.

For example, when I heard that my Frankfurt flight was canceled, by first impulse was to check at the Lufthansa and Swiss Air and Air France counters to see if I could buy a whole new ticket and take advantage of the delay and stay in Italy EVEN LONGER, i.e. to this weekend.

That would have entailed paying at minimum another 840 Euro for a new plane ticket (in comparison with the $0 additional dollars that I was required to pay in staying one night in Frankfurt). It also would have entailed me calling my boss here in Canada and explaining that I'd decided to stay for the entire week since I was going to be forced to lose a day anyhow.

I mean, it's all well and good to be a dreamer - and indeed I don't feel that I really was ESSENTIAL in the last two days at work, i.e. my team probably could have completed everything without me (though not so well or quickly ;-)) - but WELCOME TO FLORENCE!?

I have to realize at some points that my joie de vivre is my best asset, whilst not shooting myself in the foot with it.

THis is the process that I've been going through this whole year - figuring out how to balance behaviours that are not at all familiar, attractive or comfortable for me (budgeting, planning, investing), with my my natural exuberance and passion and curiosity. What I've done for a while is basically do the first set of activities by completely supressing the latter things, i.e. in the belief that the two are not at all compatible.

Really they are simply in a colossal and perpetual duel with each other. Knowledge, however, is power, and as long as I'm able to let the ideas flow freely but rationally and without much fanfare ACKNOWLEDGE to myself that some of them are stupid (Air France was going to charge me 1300 Euro at the Florence airport for a new ticket routed through Paris, and I actually considered buying for a moment - yes, I am insane).

I think that this is the moment in which I need to work with the wonderful book that Mz. Bee so kindly sent to me, about being like Leonardo. This is because I see that there is a great opportunity in having the impulse to be a risk taker. I really am a risk taker at heart. What I've been struggling with in the last year is the anchor of expectation around my ankle. (You have a good job with an indexed pension. How could you leave it and move off to bum around on a bicycle with an aging tour operator?!?! ;-))

I'm so tired of NOT acting on my desires. It's not in my nature. What I think I need to accept is that if I do what will make me most happy, there is a big downside risk. I might end up fairly poor when old. I might still end up alone. Is it worth it to take these risks in spite of the greatly increased risk of less-than-beautiful outcomes? I think it is worthwhile to take these risks. First, however, I'm going to do the prudent thing - because it's relatively easy and pain-free to do so - and wait and see how some of the options pan out, e.g. the foreign affairs position. I'm also going to put the pedal to the floor on my language study, which I have been doing this year anyhow, because bringing up the level of my second and third and fourth language skills is only going to make this stuff easier.

And I'm going to explore my creativity in the process.

I see all of the things about which I'm passionate as linking together. A strong, fit body will protect me in times of challenge and risk and supply me with the buffering energy of a much younger person. My rigor in my work can be applied to many different types of jobs - I haven't steered to far from the mainstream world in my education and training, and although I've hated it and suffered and struggled through it I've developed a skill set that is marketable. My risk taking and openness and curiosity will help me to spot opportunities and get through failures. And if I can nurture my creativity, finally, then that will be the best part - the part that can make me truly happy. THat last part I haven't been able to do because I haven't believed and trusted in myself of late. I've felt that what I am and what I see are somehow wrong.

I'm not sure how long it is going to take to nurture my creativity. I'm definitely not where I want to be in terms of self-belief and self-trust quite yet. In Italy, in spite of the growth that was evident there, I did retreat repeatedly into self-criticism and defeatism.

I really must be feverish today. I must put those potatoes in the oven. An odd breakfast, I realize, but I'm craving potatoes.

I'm going to post some photos and videos shortly. Stay tuned. :) Hope you are well!

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9:22 a.m. - 2009-01-11

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