enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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let's start out with porridge. And then we'll put one foot in front of the other. Some chai tea will also help.

Just a quick note this morning. I have to run off to French.

First, I am glad that MFV is around and kicking! International man of mystery indeed. Welcome, friend!

I deleted the letter from Marco last night. This is because someone pointed out to me that it is very platonic. This is true. This hurts. I think I know what he is doing. It's basically what he's been doing all along. He told me in September that he was actively fighting having feelings for me as he doesn't think it can work. I have chosen to hope for something more in spite of this, and he has been feeding this by continually writing to me (and quite romantically, at least until the end of November or so) and also by sending me that very personal Christmas gift that he had made for me.

So I had a rough night last night - slept until 6 and then tossed and turned.

I'm up now though and dressed in lilac cashmere and boots and will head off shortly to French.

I feel OK and calm about the Marco thing this morning. I need to fight this demon - my biggest one - that no one will ever choose me or love me, which is why this hurts so much. I chose to be interested in someone with whom it would be monstrously difficult to have a relationship anyways; I made this a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's very easy for me to find guys who would sleep with me, hang out with me for a while; but it seems almost impossible sometimes to believe that someone will ever really love me.

So. In the light of day I see that I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep on hoping that eventually I'll figure this relationship thing out and will choose someone available.

I feel OK. Well, except for the fact that my ears are blocked and my head feels as though it is about to explode. I'm definitely sick. I was feeling quite well yesterday but today many of the symptoms are back. Hope it goes away quickly.

I'm still not going to write back to M. I feel a bit badly about this given that he is at least trying to be friends and he did send me that wonderful gift that he made for me. It seems unkind (and it is certainly unlike me) to not respond. I'm going to leave it for a few weeks anyhow and then will decide how I feel. For sure, at any rate, I'm not going to see him if I go to Italy in April. In that regard I absolutely must let go.

OK. Must run!

8:58 a.m. - 2009-01-09

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