enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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That elusive window of freedom.

Buggar.

I don't know why I wanted to say that. I just did.

I have a counseling appointment tonight. Believe it or not, I really don't want to go. I am starting to think that I simply need to work through things by myself.

In good news, I am totally fine today. I had a rough night but ultimately I did quite a bit of my mourning over M. whilst in Italy. Now is sort of an afterthought. I put his email away where I won't see it. I had no desire to write back to him today. I'm going to leave it. Some books are better left on the shelf.

I felt rather terrible physically today, however, and so I'd quite like to go to sleep. Because the Fudge It preparation is in high drive I'm on call this weekend. I doubt that my boss will call me and in any event I really don't mind. I'm going to be sticking close to home this weekend and mostly cleaning. I want to do a super-clean of my apartment. It feels grotty to me at the moment.

I'm also going to study French every weekend. I'm thinking again about looking for jobs abroad. The Foreign Affairs thing might still be the way but I think I should apply for a few jobs. Nothing to lose. I thought about this again today as I had coffee with a friend.

That was a weird coffee. Difficult to explain but I kind of think the guy was looking for me to tell him that he should end his marriage. Not sure. Tricky. But I'm not the person to tell someone to do that.

I wore the lilac boots and sweater and got a lot of compliments today. I'm going to go out and buy some moe colours. It's about time that I stopped wearing black and grey and white all the time - K. was correct about that. The lilac made me feel like a different person.

The best part about this ruthlessness that I'm working hard to direct at my feelings towards M. is that I'm being effectively ruthless in my life. I was no holds barred at work today. If I can keep this up I will have banished the scourge of anxiety in the workplace. That's the plan, anyhow. Because when you think of it, there is absolutely NO point in wasting a minute of one's life in senseless, tedious, circular worry. No more waste of time, EB. - please.

Ohhh...so tired. I do wish I didn't have to trudge out to that counseling appointment. It is cold outside and I feel that he wasted my time the last time. And the money...oh well. Perhaps this will be my last appointment.

Perhaps I'll write later. I have some videos and pics to post. Unfortunately upon showing them to C. last night I realized that you sort of had to be there. The videos are rather silly. They DO conjure up a feeling for me, however, which I imagine was the point in the first place.

I wish I could feel as straightforward, up and down and relatively fearless as I do today, every day.

6:28 p.m. - 2009-01-09

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