enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Lots of reflections. Only a little bit of sadness.

UGH. It has been a crazy few days. I'm off to the airport and then tomorrow I'm back writing the Fudge It, if you can believe it.

I still am incredulous - I mean, absolutely incredulous, really - that M. did not either email or call me for the entire duration of my trip. I just find it so weird. But whatever. What can I do? He's obviously struggling with his own issues. I didn't do anything wrong.

So...Rome was great. I've been traveling and changing accomodation every day for days now and the weather and changes are taking their toll. I started to get a cold the night before last. It's not too bad though and I'm traveling home today. I booked the world's longest and stupidest flights, with two connections, but I'll make it home - I always do.

Will catch you up tomorrow and will post some good videos. I bought myself a lovely ring in Rome and if you can believe it a pair of lilac boots. Leather goods are about the only cheap thing in Italy - and so cheap. I'm going to be wearing lilac boots at the office on Wednesday. It's about time for a sea change. I started to see myself through my friend K's eyes here - I've been wearing white and black and grey for months now and this mood of bleakness must END.

That was about it. I could NOT find a post office and it is a holiday today, so I still haven't mailed M's Christmas gift or my cards to others. Maybe at the airport? To be honest, I'm wondering now if I should send his gift - not because I'm petty but I'm wondering if I should not be available, make him wonder.

I don't think I've given you guys the full story or impression of how this man has behaved. He has almost continually made suggestions of places we could meet or trips we could take together...I mean, dozens of these...with zero follow-through. Every time he suggested something I said, "sure," (with caveats, dependent upon time). I think that that was a mistake. I should have not responded after about the tenth time.

The sad thing is that he is a wonderful, wonderful person. I can tell that he wants to act on his thoughts and feelings. Oddly enough, I think that he's caught in a fear ball similar to mine...only even WORSE, if you can believe it.

As for me, this trip really took a bit of the fear out of me. Yesterday I walked directly into a small fear by cancelling my train ticket back to Florence during the day and staying in Rome a bit longer. It felt quite empowering. I came back to Florence on a night train and I fly out in a few hours.

When in Rome I decided that I will not only go forward with the foreign affairs interview in February but I will start applying for other international jobs. You just never know what I might be able to get. Perhaps even a contract in Rome with the UN. Another option is to work for the Canadian International Dev3lopment Agency and try to get into something related to world food aid. There are a lot of things that interest me.

I don't know. It's all going to come together. It's still not clear, but every little step is a step forward. First and foremost I need to stop thinking of myself as a person of more advanced age and responsibilities than I am. Not that being older is bad. In fact, it is great. I hope that no one was offended when I wrote the last time that my friend K. said that I need to get younger friends. That's not the point at all. I'm really attracted to people with maturity and experience, wisdom. But the thing is that I've been thinking of myself as too old for this, too old for that...and it's not helping my love life or my self-confidence.

When I was in Florence in September my friend Joan said something quite similar to me. She said that my youth wouldn't last much longer and so I should try to live it up whilst I can. She suggested that I vamp up the looks and try to market the product a little bit better, so to speak. :) In my view it's not so much an issue of marketing as it is an issue of how I see myself. The drab outside has simply reflected the sad and disappointed interior.

Anyhow. Those are the thoughts. I should go out and see if I can find the elusive shuttle bus to the airport that I never seem to be able to locate. :)

Take care one and all and see you in Ottawa....many great pics to come. Can't wait to catch up on your lives. I haven't had internet access for most of this week.

9:03 a.m. - 2009-01-06

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