enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Ending the year just as I started the year

Oh god. Fuck.

Another New Year's Eve ending with me sad, depressed.

I am in Florence. I had dinner with really nice, caring, patient friends who think that I am beautiful and wonderful. They tried to coach me through it all evening. What a SHIT I am.

And all I could think about is the the fact that M. hasn't emailed me since I have been here, and that he didn't call me tonight. I feel worthless and unwanted, just like I have on pretty much every previous New Year's. I wonder why everyone else seems to know how to figure out how not to be alone, and why I can't figure it out.

Every year the same. Every year the same stupid person who makes no progress. Every year a disappointment, a sad heart.

So I ruined another day by feeling lonely and disappointed and sad and ugly and worthless. HoW DO YOU GET OUT OF A LOOP LIKE THIS? WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?

And do you know what? I just logged into the account that I never log into, and there was an invitation there from the Department of Foreign Affairs for an interview in February. What a weird, fucked up thing is that? I can have every fucking job I want and I can't even find a single boyfriend.

I just hang my head in shame and horror at my uselessness.

OK. That is all of the bashing that I can give to myself tonight. I have a train to catch in the morning. I hope that you feel better about yourselves than I do at the moment. Are you even in Paris, you stupid fucking bastard who has been leading me on???

1:24 a.m. - 2009-01-01

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