enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The long slow trudge through perpetual spinsterhood.

In one of those semi-bizarre experiences in life, I think a French Canadian dude set me straight last night. After I wrote that entry, this guy came up to me and we had a long, long chat. He basically told me 1) that I am a beautiful woman whom he has seen clenched over a computer for the last two days; and 2) it's not about me - it just doesn't work (accept, and it is romantic to be in Florence).

It is true that I knew on some level that I wouldn't hear from him. He didn't say that he would be in touch whilst I was here, and he did wish me a Happy New Year last week.

I don't know what hurts. I guess I was expecting him to mind read, to know that this is what I wanted. My friends tried to convince me last night that what I should do is be direct with him and offer it all up on a plate. At least then he has to actively say "no" and then there is closure.

This morning I'm thinking more of the lean into it and walk away, but at the same time since he sent me that Christmas gift I am expecting that at some point I will hear from him and that I'll have to reply. I should tell him the truth and then lean into it and walk away.

What hurts is what always hurts - it seems that in the end anyone who expresses a "want" for me doesn't in the end "want" me at all, or at least not enough. I don't know how to build a self-esteem on a steady steam of rejection. I just don't know how I could do it.

Last night I spent the night with my wonderful friend, who has a husband who has stood by her through everything. I watched them kiss at midnight and I wonder why some women are saved and some are not. I know that there are no answers but I do wonder why I am always to unlucky one.

What the French Canadian guy said to me was interesting though. Without even knowing the whole story his conclusion was, "You are trying to figure out who you are. You are simply looking/hoping to find someone who will take you there."

Obviously M. can't take me there. I have to find that road on my own.

I wish I cared about this trip now. Now I am so tired that I want to go home. I have to catch a train to Venice in an hour and so I'm off. I hope you are all well. I shall try to stay cheery. I'm pretty much at the end of hope though.

9:14 a.m. - 2009-01-01

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