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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Trying to find the balance.

I hope you'll excuse that the entries here are likely to be garbled and ungrammatical for a while. I mean, more than is the usual.

I could blame it on some strange fight that broke out last night outside in the middle of the night, but jet lag had me awake at that time already.

More seriously, this acclimatization to the nervous state that has reoccurred in me lately is wreaking havoc. I had TERRIBLE nightmares last night, which I won't repeat as I don't want to worry further about my loved ones. I'll be OK - today I have to set about arranging the phone and buying train tickets for Venice and Florence back from Rome, etc., and try NOT to worry about not having secure luggage storage tomorrow when I check out of here and go to the Uffizi before I can check in at my new hostel.

Really, the point of life should be to learn to NOT worry about things. I'm realizing this this morning. I mean, you have to take calculated rather than open risks in life, but this worry has reached fever pitch with me these days. I can find absolutely anything to worry about. Lying awake last night I was already freaking out about the flight to Rome from Venice, and the flights back home in a week's time. It's just crazy.

So here's to a good day for one and all. It's freezing again here and wet - sure do wish I had a warmer coat - but will bundle up and pick something fun to do today. I think it will be a church that I've never been to, or maybe the Palazzo Medici Ricardi. Oh hell - there's a ton that I haven't yet done in Florence. That's the great thing about this city.

As I mentioned yesterday, the crowds are noticeably diminished here at the moment. During the day yesterday they definitely did swell, and the hostels are booked up, so there ARE people here. Oh and the restaurant filled up last night.

Still, it feels a little like I can see the grey and the drear of every day life here for some people. I can see why M. was glad to get out to Paris to his sister's for a few weeks. I'm an unusual person I think in that I prefer moody, grey light. :) The winter light doesn't suit Florence at all, really - the yellows and oranges of the city naturally can't glow in the way that they do at other times of year. The terasses are also empty. It has a different feel. I'm glad I came. It feels pared down, honest. I'm a bit more in touch with its poverty post-WWII.

So...kind of meandering here. Eyes so tired. Looking very spiffy in dark jeans, black riding boots, a white button down and a black merino v-neck and long black cardigan belted with a tiny, patent belt. Add in my handknitted scarf and hat and tweed coat and take that you fashionable Italians. ;-)

Just joking. Am feeling quite cozy but am looking rather funny these days. I think I mentioned that my hairdresser gave me a pretty funny haircut. Layers will definitely need to be grown out - I'm wearing a bozo the clown look *with wings* at the moment.

Well, well. I have a tiny dream - let's call a spade a spade a label it a fantasy, really - that M. is going to ring me after my phone is working and tell me that he's coming to Venice later this week. A total pipe dream and not going to happen, but still a girl can dream. I tossed and turned on this one last night. I honestly oscillate between wanting something to happen and deciding firmly that I should move on. It's about a fifty-fifty thing. As you might, no doubt, suspect, this trip is perhaps about figuring out how to think of this.

To be honest, I'm trying to tell myself at the moment that in the midst of all of this scaredy-cat, anxious freaking out stuff that is obsessing me at the moment and damaging my body, I'm actually being brave to have taken the decision to come here and to forge forward. I'm constantly trying to figure out who I am, and scared or not scared I suppose there's some courage to that. When I lay in the still hours in my bed last night listening to the remainder of the street noise, it occurred to me that I will probably look back at Florence for my entire life as the city in which I started to think it could be possible to love myself one day.

So...sorry for that bit of cheese. I'd put in something salty just about now but you know me - a bit too earnest at the best of times.

Well, should try to be productive. Take care and enjoy whatever activity you choose to undertake today!!

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8:25 a.m. - 2008-12-29

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