enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not frustrating the guilt faeries' knavish tricks (usage doesn't count - I want to thwart some Italian knaves before this week is done :))

Don't feel sorry for me. It's not that bad. But I do need to write. I'm all jittery.

I'm really feeling anxious and stressed today. I'm finishing off last minute preparations for the trip.

I was already really anxious last night, which is normal for me because flying frightens me. Once we're up in the air I'm OK, particularly once I take M's tip and order a glass of wine...

I have a nice little relaxation eye pillow, so that is also helpful.

Today I feel incredibly anxious about LIFE. I feel sooo guilty about going to Italy for a third time this year, when there are people starving all around the world.

I called the bank a couple of hours ago, for example, to tell them that I'll be in Italy for the next ten days and so to report that my credit cards may be used when there. They offered to increase my credit limit, of course. I was talking on the phone with someone who truly sounded as though he was Indian and in India (I didn't ask), and I just felt like such a stupid, pointless woman who is flying off to doodle around Italy. I could have signed up for more World V!sion children instead of going on this trip.

Sigh. I should go out. I need to go to the drugstore, the bank to get some cash, and also to the bookstore to return C.'s book (he had snuck out and bought that one for himself already - sneaky boy).

It's so exhausting being me. I find it difficult to enjoy anything at all without incredible fear creeping in. I'm so fearful. And R.'s death hasn't helped me at all.

Also, and it's no big deal, but my mother didn't contact me yesterday or today. I don't have her phone number in Florida.

Well, to each her own. Hopefully this will be a beautiful trip, before I return to a crazy month of January in preparing the Fudge It.

I'm going to try to calm down. Promise.

I needed to write that. As I said, no need to feel sorry for me.

Out I go before the shops close! And then I'll flip on a movie and maybe have a hot bath and try to destress. I'm off on an adventure! (Still with too much stuff in my backpack, but hopefully I'll be able to convince myself to get rid of some tonight. :))

3:20 p.m. - 2008-12-26

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