enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So cold and grey. Will the sun please shine tomorrow?

I don't know what to write here tonight.

It's as though today was a day lived in slow motion.

Today was the kind of day you'd rather forget, or rather not have to live again soon. This morning I learned that a cherished friend - much as I joked around about his annoying flirtation, I liked the kind, old, dapper man and spent many a wonderful hour in his apartment full of books and musical instruments and good cognac! :) - had had something absolutely horrific happen to him that has probably ended his life.

Coming home, up the stairs, I felt frightened. I'm not frightened of death, per se - seems perfectly just what *is* to me - but I feel frightened of what is *not there*. The house feels empty tonight.

The wind is howling, too. As I mentioned this morning, I couldn't sleep last night and one never would have believed that when I sat bolt upright it was already 6 a.m. It was dark and drear outside and never managed to improve.

We had very cold weather and heaps of snow last week, but today, as predicted, it warmed up and much of the snow melted. Tonight the winds started howling and the drizzling wetness has turned into black ice. C. invited me for a run up to the lake and although we had to run gingerly and wrapped up in scarves, I was glad to do it. I needed to get out of the house.

After the run C. and I had dinner at his place, which was very kind of him, and we sat there talking about his silly inability to pick a historical character that he would want to be. (The question was asked for a party game, and in the perfect example of how different C. and I are, I could instantly think of someone (what fun!) and he could not; three days on and he is still philosophising re. the meaning of being C., and whether or not one could become a historical character but take with one one's current sensibilities and knowledge, thereby effecting change in the course of history. Correct me if I'm wrong...but that's NOT a party game. :) Who would you be?)

Anyhow. I don't know if there is much more to say. I feel cold and frightened today. I want to live more than ever. I want to travel and find a job at which I feel fulfilled, and most of all I want to find someone to love and who will love me. I fear that I will not get these things. I feel a bit like Scrooge, running all over town hoping that it won't be too late for him to make things right.

I will have to take some pictures of the many post cards and little drawings that R. left for me over the last two years. I feel good that I gave him some company. If you think about it, he had a date with me lined up on his last day! :)

I'm trying to emphasize the positive. :)

I also realized that in a way he gave me a great gift, too. He always told me that I was chic and gamine just as I was - no need to buy fancier clothes or colour or cut my hair. "It's in your way, your attitude."

Neither of my grandfathers, if I think of it, have ever paid any attention to me. So I kind of got a bit of grandfathering a bit late.

I was thinking about all of this as I was dodging puddles on the way home from work at 6 p.m. today. I was thinking about how every person you meet and move or are moved by in your life becomes knitted into your very own fabric, making it tougher. It gives you the gift of resiliance to carry with you in the inevitable sieges that you will face in the future.

I could go on, obviously. I didn't really feel like stopping by to visit him last Tuesday, but I did and I took the time to permit him to make me something to eat, I read the dictionary with him, and I told him about my trip. I'm glad that I did those things. We had made plans for a visit on Christmas Day. I was going to bake him my Christmas bread.

You just never know how things are going to turn out. The last time I saw him he was standing out on the porch on Wednesday, directing the snow plows to clean out the driveway. He wished me a good evening. I wished him the same. The end.

Sad.

So. Moving on. Gosh, C. scared me to death because we started talking about plane crashes. Just what I need! I always start to panic when I am about to fly. How crazy am I for going on my third trip to Italy this year?

Really, I am crazy. I'm torn between applauding myself for trying to live, and wanting to smack myself for not tethering myself to here. In a way, if I were a faithful person, I would say that someone was looking out for me. Much better to be in Italy than to be in this empty house, particularly if they start to clear out his apartment over Christmas.

My head is weary and I must cook lunch for tomorrow. I should sign out now. These were only some random thoughts that were rumbling through me.

One last truthful thing. I want to let go of M. as a part of that tapestry that I was moaning on about. In truth I am not ready to let go. I don't want to let go. I know that I must and yet I don't want to do it; I want to go cycling with him in Africa or Asia or some other place. In this I am hoping for some wonderful intervention. Will someone POSSIBLE come along for me and rescue me from this longing, please?

10:13 p.m. - 2008-12-15

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell