enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sleepy head

Hello!

VERY, VERY tired today.

It's my own fault though, I'll admit!

I watched a bunch of movies last night that made me cry - mostly sappy romances - and then the weepiest of all came on: Anne of Gr33n Gables.

It's not only because I thought that I WAS Anne, from the age of about 5 on when my I first started reading the story in bed. It's because when the movie came out in 1985 I was in the process of losing my own dad, to whose funeral I didn't in the end even get to go, because his parents or my mother - to this day, not sure which - only told me after he had been cremated and was gone. So when Matthew, the one who had first shown affection and caring for orphaned Anne died, it was SO affecting.

To this day, and I don't mean this in an "OH woe is me, I'm so sad" kind of way, because I'm not sad and I'm getting stronger and happier every day, the scene in which Matthew dies in the field makes me sob. I probably hadn't seen that movie in ten years, and there it was on tv.

Plus I still think I'm Anne Shirl3y. I find it to be the greatest compliment when Fifi tells me that she thinks of me as a Jane Aust3n heroine, because I think that that's the Anne Shirl3y coming out in me! Wheeeee!!

So I didn't mean by mentioning the crying to suggest that I'm at all sad. I'm really not. I'm steady and pensive. I'm also confident and calm about my future. Things are going very well. I know that I'm going to make a big career change in the next few years, but I don't feel panicked about it, even given the unknowns.

I mentioned the crying because when I cry a lot it always makes my eyes swollen and then TIRED FOR THE WHOLE NEXT DAY!

:)

I'm also tired because I stayed up WAAAAAAAAAY too late on the Internet, looking at hotels in Venice. I can't decide whether I will go to VEnice or to Rome after New Year's Eve in Florence! I know, I know - tough choice!

I can't decide, but it is important that I decide because for sure I'll need to make a reservation for a hotel or hostel, and maybe even a train reservation in the next couple of days. Not sure. Venice is supposed to be very busy over the Christmas period.

I am tempted by Venice, as I haven't yet been there, but I do LOVE Rome and haven't been there in eight years! In the winter though it might be less fun, whilst Venice would be visually a bit more magical I think. OK, maybe Venice it is.

As for Marco, don't worry about me. I think I realize that this process of planning the trip, going there, etc., might just be a part of letting him - or the idea of him - go. I can recreate my "me" place in Florence, and also return here to face forward with an eye to eventually being open to meeting someone who can be there for me and in my life. Letting go, I find, seems as though it might be sad. In actual fact, it's not. Letting go can be graceful and thereby so beautiful! It must be that all of the pain leaves with the wrestling process that takes plce in making the decision to let go in the first place. What a relief!

SO much to do!

I still haven't heard about my landlord. Whatever has happened or will happen, yesterday gave me pause to reflect and appreciate the joy of living. The old dude has the joy of living and of appreciating beauty in all forms, and from this we can all learn. :) At 3 a.m. before I went to bed I looked outside and saw a magical blizzard taking place. The air was white with snow. Unfortunately, although I tried, I could not take a pic from my bedroom window...as it was frozen shut!!! (I tried tugging and pushing and even kicking the frame, but decided in the end NOT to dislocate my shoulder. :))

I will, however, post some pics later!

2:01 p.m. - 2008-12-14

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