enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A dog's breakfast of notes

I just love the expression "dog's breakfast." It's one of my favourites. :)

You know you're getting old when...you're rummaging through your "mitten" bin, trying to find the magnetised, kissing reindeer that a tacky ex-boyfriend once gave to you, and at the bottom of the bin you find something completely unrelated but useful and that you'd forgotten you'd bought. At the bottom of the bin I did find, fortunately, the kissing reindeer, but also a cycling jersey that I had bought from a person at work a year ago who had a whole bunch of seconds to sell. I had completely forgotten about this jersey - and goodness knows how it got into my mitten bin, tags still on it - and had bought a new cycling jersey from a retailer on ebay in August. Oh well, I guess - I now have a pink one AND a blue one. :)

Yeah.

By the way, I have been invited to a tacky Christmas sweater party tonight. I probably won't go to the party, but just in case I was thinking of making such a sweater by separating the kissing reindeer and attaching them as faux pasties to the front of the sweater. What do you think?

:)

Still no word on my landlord, but I'm assuming that this is good news. He goes to his son's to give his grandson a violin lesson on Saturday mornings, so his son having not responded to last night's call must know where he is. Perhaps he has gone to hospital re. his gout again, or perhaps he took a fall. Or perhaps it is something entirely different. It could be that his ex-wife is not well. Who knows. So I will stop worrying.

I met his son for the first time a few weeks ago. He was actually quite handsome and EXTREMELY tall. He came in with one of those French Canadian women who make you do a double take. French Canadian women are divided into three groups, style-wise. The largest is petite and delicate and a bit more flashy than is my taste, but very attractive nonetheless. The second group favours kind of a "tree hugging" bohemian look. Interestingly, this is the type that is straight-laced C's preference. The third and final type is the type group of which the son's girlfriend is a member. She wears leopard print and stiletto boots to work and has hair of a volume that would make 1980s Fin@l Net ads shiver in jealousy. The son's girlfriend in particular not only had the big hair and cat-eye makeup at 10 a.m., but was wearing a giant, floor-length, faux-fur leopard coat with a huge shawl collar. Attractive? Not so much. When older these women uniformly go for what I call the "red helmet head" look. The disastrously freaky and unnatural colour that they choose for their hair is remarked upon from coast to coast. Ah whatever. I give them kudos for doing their own thang.

So...what's up for me today? Well, I swore to myself last night at work that I would spend some serious time reading some research to prepare for a project that I need to present this week. That desire always fades by Saturday morning, I must confess.

I missed yoga, sadly, as I woke up too late. The phone rang brrrng brrrng at 10:30 and it was C. inviting me for a 10-mile run along the canal. As it is currently -22, I asked him if he could not wait until we at least get to our daily high?

I don't in truth have any problem with the temperature - friction warms the feet up perfectly and a few layers of clothing is all you need - but I can't stand running in the morning. It doesn't fit with my biorhythms. My fitness always increases more rapidly when I run in the afternoons. I feel good today, like I could do a good, quick run. Only not right away. The sun is so bright and clear right now, however, and the vitamin D boost from a run would likely be significant. Soon.

There is no more. It's all good. I'm feeling peaceful. I'm going to read and also book my Uffizi tickets today.

Oh! I knew that I had something to say. C. gave me a wonderful gift the other night. C. is a much more practical guy than I am in arranging his own life. He's very conservative and ordered. And yet, I was saying to C. the other night that I feel a bit nutty about going to Italy for a third time this year, and he surprised me with his open-mindedness. I said to him, "How would I ever explain to someone who wanted to date me that I'm spending my money by going to Europe at every holiday?"

"You're pursuing your interests. You're not interested in houses or furniture or cars or restaurant meals. You're being perfectly rational."

C. has never labeled me "rational" before in my life! Ha ha!

Small achievement, I realize.

Oh and I must go through my "Lux3 Florence" book today. I have not bought a single item of clothing or anything related since I returned from Italy in September. I have lost all desire. I foresee this continuing into the future. I want to minimize my consumption to the degree possible, particularly of stuff that I really don't need. All one needs is a few decent things to wear. What it is is that I've lost all desire to fill the lonely places in my heart with more stuff, thinking that looking better will make me stronger!! YIPPEE!! I feel such a level of relief that I've broken this pattern. It's a pattern that has persisted with me since I was a teenager, since I always felt that I was not sufficiently attractive or feminine. I felt I needed to fix that. Now I can think of buying myself one or two beautiful things in Florence that I will truly cherish and enjoy wearing if the mood takes me. Investment pieces, I guess. I suspect that I will not buy anything. It's a nice change for me in that it's one that I didn't think would come. I don't think I'm going to panic this time when I get there and feel less attractive than the women there. I realize that I'm more than adequately attractive just as I am.

Really, 2008 has been a watershed year. And thanks again to Anna for suggesting the counselor. It is opening up a new world.

Related to this, the friend who recommended the counselor is the one who is coming to Italy. She came to my office yesterday to tell me how glad she is that I am going to be there, that she is glad that I am her friend and that I am so supportive and empathetic.

The thing with this is that I don't think that I'm that empathetic towards her. I mean, I am empathetic, but I also do quite a bit of C's bit of explaining to her the ways in which she is being irrational. She tends to feel self-pitying quite a bit and I have very little patience for that. So it's interesting. When I talk with her for a half an hour or so I do see the pinched look leave her face and it start to flush with colour and relaxation. I think with some people it's simply that they need to know that someone is there who will listen, analyse and respond, and then they feel strong enough to go on their merry way and make their own decisions. They don't want to be validated necessarily. Maybe that's the point of "passing it on." Fifi's been a clever and rational voice for me on many occasions, and I always feel grateful for that! Thank you, Fifi!

Hmm...

11:19 a.m. - 2008-12-13

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