enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Stay to the path

So, interesting day.

Very fine French class. Enjoyed conversation and felt relaxed and comfortable.

At work, decided that I'm smarter than all but maybe my boss there, even at something I don't think my brain is well-suited to do (arrogant, I know), so why do I let those men get me down on myself?

Stupid. Seriously, I'm going to go forward like a bull in a China shop. Watch out.

As for M., although it gives me some considerable sadness, I've decided that I'm going to let go. I'm not going to write to him anymore. I know where he's coming from, and I feel for him given that he revealed to me the other day that his ex-wife has completely abandoned his daughter, but I can't wait around for him to stop flirting with the idea of a relationship with me and do something. I've got to let go.

If he wants to "come back" he's free to, but I won't hold my breath. It makes me sad, because I think he's a wonderful, wonderful person, and I know in my heart that he really cares about me, but it was already farfetched and it becomes more farfetched every day.

There's not much more to report, other than that tonight is the concert with my landlord. I REALLY want to go downstairs and tell him that there's no way that I'm going in his car with him, but it seems so rude to tell an old man that I will walk and meet him there. I don't think I can bring myself to do that.

Gosh I'm tired. Will need a coffee!

Ah buggar. Life is a pain in the ass, isn't it? It should be so simple. We shouldn't be scared. We should take risks, have fun. I'm a good person to be around in this way, because I always make happen the things that I truly want to do. I sometimes jump right into cold water, and I love that about myself. I may cry and suffer but in reality I'm one tough little tadpole.

So one other interesting thing is that last night at the party I started to think for the first time that some of the dudes here might not be THAT bad. THe guy who drove me home is wonderful, for example. Were he not married, I would definitely date him. That is always the way, isn't it? They're always married. But this time I don't feel sad, only optimistic that there must be more of them. This one in particular gave me hope since he is in his early 40s and calm, patient, kind, and he and his wife have decided to be childless. There are few of these out there to make us childless folks out there not feel crazy - or pitied, as I sensed quite a bit from the women at the party yesterday and which drives me NUTS, although some of it is undoubtedly well-meaning - and it feels nice to settle into a little pocket of them.

So, there you go. All told, quite a good week in the end. I feel a bit like a speedskater in a high performance uniform, gliding and slicing along the ice.

6:46 p.m. - 2008-12-12

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