enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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'Cross the desert in a caravan.

May I tell you the ABSOLUTE truth?

I think in some place in me I have the tiniest hope that M. will decide to fly back to Florence for a couple of days when I am there. I KNOW, rationally, that he won't do it - very inconvenient, flights expensive, his daughter will be in Paris, etc. - but I think it's the ideal.

Well, it would be OK if he asked me to come to Paris to meet him, too, which he won't do.

Don't get me wrong, I don't actually WANT him to do this, in the sense that I won't have a good trip if he doesn't do it. I WILL have a good trip. But in a weird sort of a way I kind of think of it as a test. Maybe that's completely wrong. I think what I mean is that if he were to do it I could give myself licence to continue thinking about him and not feeling that I can be interested in anyone here. If, however, he does not do it, I can take it as fuel for the idea that he'll never make the grand romantic gesture and there is therefore no use in waiting around (even if the waiting is done only in that odd, imaginary way of mine in which I wait whilst never having had any intention of pursuing anyone here, anyhow).

Silly, I realize. Or at least I think. Some silly, girlish Sir Gal@had fantasy? (Actually more like an Alan Rickm@n in S3nse and Sensibility sort of a fantasy, since sinlessness is not really what we are after ;-)) Or just a reasonable conclusion? Should life include grand, romantic gestures?

The truth is funny, isn't it? I tell the truth here all the time, but there are some truths - the most pertinent ones, really - that I keep in the shadows. Things like those irrational fantasies about what constitutes romance among them. It's embarrassing, or it seems embarrassing to the reveal them, as in "haven't you grown up yet?"

10:37 p.m. - 2008-12-11

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