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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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In my white shirt.

OK. Well.

OK day. Very busy. We had our staff Christmas party today and although it was very nice it was DISASTROUS from the point of view of transportation. There is a bus strike on and the party was in the suburbs...I felt so badly for the nice guy who offered to drive me home - we spent an hour in gridlocked traffic.

Difficult to believe that Ottawa could be gridlocked.

So the party was interesting. I remember that I was terribly depressed when I got home from last year's party.

This year's party was better, since people know me better now. Still, I found myself starting to beat up on myself at some point in the game, given that I just don't fit in.

I tried to stop myself from blaming it on me. I'm just me.

I just don't fit in with those people. But does it matter? Do we need to fit in? No. We just need to get along.

I realized that part of it is that there is a clear divide in people. You have the people close to 30 or under. I don't fit with those. Mostly boys, anyhow. They don't want to talk to me and I don't want to talk to them.

And then there are the people 35-45. There are a lot of those. But the problem is that they are all married and having babies or with young children. They own homes and furniture and are responsible. They have all been working there for much longer than I have and are therefore at higher levels. So I don't really have a lot to talk with them about.

I started to feel sad, of course, as I started to tell people about going to Italy. No one was unkind about it, but it's difficult to explain to people who are interested in houses and savings and so on...that you're going back to the same country for the third time in a year.

They all think it's crazy to spend that much money on airfare. And they're probably right.

But like I said, no one was unkind about it. One woman suggested that she could set me up with one of her friends. How do you get around that?

I politely said that I'd quit dating about a year ago and was just doing my own thing.

It seems I'm caught in a spot. I can't quite yet forget M. and I can't quite yet see myself - here, at least - as dateable.

I suppose that that was just a quick pulse check. I know where I am. I'm a little bit better than I was last year, but I'm not all the way yet.

So, all told, not bad.

I'm quite tired today. Perhaps I need some sleep. I should go for a run or something, but in fact it is very, very cold outside. My cold feet tell me this from the brief walk that I had home from the "drop off" spot.

I think I'll make a cup of hot tisane and take a hot bath. That sounds nice. Must remember to buy some bubble bath.

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6:26 p.m. - 2008-12-11

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