enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Wet hair, warming up today. Yay!

Thank you so much, friends. I wouldn't have thought of the things that you said in your thoughtful messages.

I was beating myself up last night because I've been trying to change the patterns that I have of running away, trying to paper things over, trying to make things fun.

But what would it have served for me to sit around here alone all holiday in grey Ottawa, with C. studying for his thesis defence? He wants me to go and have fun.

So I'm going to quietly put the ticket aside and stop burdening myself with self hate. I'll go on the 27th and will be open to whatever adventures come my way. I think I'm going to add a nice hotel room overlooking the Arno on New Year's Eve - really treat myself and feel the blessings of what I get to do there.

I think I'm a bit fragile right now. You think? I'm doing all of the right things to move forward, but I want to be a stronger, happier, more organized, more healed person in a hurry! It doesn't come overnight, I've discovered!!.

And as BoXx so wisely said, there is probably a reason that I am going at this time. As I was in the shower this morning, it occurred to me that I don't strongly want to go back there in the spring anymore. Maybe this trip is about getting this out of my system and freeing myself to do something new this year.

You know, Fifi's point about the inner child is a valid one. All of my childhood I wanted to visit Europe, particularly Florence. I would see pictures of the art and the architecture - and some of the art when my grandmother would take me to the art gallery ! - and I desperately wanted to go to Europe.

I remember how disappointed I was when my very first serious boyfriend, the one with whom I could realistically travel, Andrew, suggested that we travel but start in Australia and Asia. He had no desire to go to Europe. I mean, I'm not disappointed by the travels that I experienced over those years, but I do remember being incredibly disappointed that my first big trip outside of North America and the Caribbean was going to be to Australia. I had always wanted to see the art in Europe, first and foremost. I had seen enough nature already.

So here I am, and finally I have the resources to live my dream. It's kind of a funny dream. And it's the dream of a thirteen year-old girl for sure, but what's wrong with that?

It's difficult for me still to give things to myself, because I learned to feel so much guilt and shame. I'm sorry that you read that note of last night. I was in a terrible state yesterday.

Anyhow. It's all progress. I'm being honest about it and I'm going to have a great time on my holiday. Do you know that on my first trip in May I met Jan from Australia via England, Jakub from England via Poland, and Marco? All three I am still in touch with. Jakub I am definitely going to visit next time I get to London.

And then in September I met Joan, who writes me lovely long notes pouring her heart out. I think that we both gained from our friendship. And of course I also solidified my friendship with Marco.

So each time something special came out of the trips even beyond the art and architecture and food.

Last night, in fact, C. told me that he "approved" (he meant encouraged :)) the trip because my friend K. and her husband P. are going to be there. They at least LIVE in Ottawa, and developing a closer friendship with them can't be a bad thing. They might get me out of my zone and out of Florence this time.

So enough beating myself up. All of you must think I am a stupid, silly woman with more money than brains. It's kind of true. Difficult to believe that I can go from costing economic fimulus on the fly for an entire bee seven nation to sitting in a puddle in my living room over booking a hostel room in a city I've been to several times. It's actually hysterically funny, if you think about it.

Sigh.

Be well and thank you again for your thoughtful and insightful remarks! Lots of love and hugs to each one of you.

8:44 a.m. - 2008-12-09

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