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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Bad, bad, bad night.

I'm completely miserable! I hope that my attitude turns around soon. I was actually sitting here tonight thinking of throwing away my ticket and the money I spent on it.

I think I made a big mistake booking it. I spent all evening/night tonight booking my accomodation, so at least I have something. I have no desire to go anymore. It's terrible. I wish I had saved the money.

I suppose I could just throw away the ticket and take it as a horrible, stupid loss.

I don't know. I think I forced myself to buy the ticket to prove that I wasn't going for M., which I must have been.

ARGHHHH. I'm so frustrated with myself. I seem to start to make some progress and then I do something stupid like this.

I just want to stay at home and cry now. I am not enjoying life at the moment. Work, work, work. Lonely, lonely, lonely. Spending money I should be saving. I am the stupidest person ever.

No need to respond to this one. I'm perfectly miserable. I made the wrong decision. I knew that I was making the wrong decision as I made it, but I forced myself to do it anyhow. I need to learn to listen to my inner voice much more often, to be calm and to be stronger in the face of disappointment. I should have given the money to World V!sion or someone doing something for others instead.

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12:52 a.m. - 2008-12-09

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