enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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That's all, folks.

I just wrote an extremely trivial entry about running in the snow, and knitting, etc., and then I realized that I do have something rather important to write about.

Last night when I stayed home from the party, I think I was absorbing the therapy session from Friday, mulling it over. It is true that therapy is a bit like a good massage session - leaves you feeling worse initially sometimes but then as the shaken up stuff settles in the system one comes out feeling much better.

The discussion had nothing to do with M, but I've found that I've reframed the thing with M. in the last 24 hours. I don't blame him, but he has effectively been playing a game with me. I know why he's doing it - he likes me but he doesn't know what to do about it. He throws out ideas of what we could do together, trips we could take together, practically every time that he writes, but then he doesn't follow up and doesn't retract.

Clearly I've got to cut it off. I'm also not going to write here again about it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how you can never start from scratch. Every relationship is made more complex by all of the relational stuff that others bring to it. It takes work to remind oneself that every other person brings so much baggage to the table, especially the older they are. None of us are excused.

Related to this, brunch yesterday was very interesting. The Czech friend has been talking about going off to take a risky job in the Czech Republic that he is probably not suited for and for which he has no relevant experience. He's really an academic here in Canada - secure, a little bit bored - and in the Czech Republic he'd be working for an equity fund with assets in Russia. He'd apparently have some management duties in Russia.

I applaud him for going, actually, because I've been tired of hearing him complain about how boring his work here is and how complacent and dull he finds his colleagues to be. I don't say this with any bitterness; I say this more from the perspective that we all have to strike out and test out the things that intrigue us. I DO believe that we regret the risks that we DO NOT take, more than those that we do and that cause us to fall down on our faces.

So I wish him well and am excited for him.

But what was interesting about the conversation at brunch yesterday is that I was thinking about the degree to which I've been shaped by masculine views of the world. There were three guys and me at the brunch yesterday. I have two brothers. I have always studied and worked almost exclusively with men.

And what was interesting is that C. was talking about what he's learned in the past two years of finally working after being in school for so long, and how these lessons relate to the messages that he's been carrying around about his masculinity.

For a long time, C has been pretty idealistic. He's wanted to *make change*. He's actually wanted to work here so that he would have access to the U.S., perhaps going to work as a journalist, since he has wanted to change the media in North America.

Big job.

But what is interesting about C. at the moment is that he has mellowed out significantly. He was talking yesterday about how he has always received the message that the ideal would be for him to reach some place of power or authority, to be noticed. He wanted to be the dragon-slaying hero.

But what he's learned in the last few years is that what the real achievement is is in working slowly at something that one values and learning to communicate and build relationships. So that was interesting...

OK. I was going to continue with this train of thought in this entry, but I just got an email from Marco that he will be in Paris from the 23rd of December to the middle of January, staying with his sister.

Of course it feels weird and I'm a bit suspicious of it, but really what's the point of being suspicious and whatever the reason or whatever it is it just IS. It is not the answer that I expected when I thought about going to Italy on Thursday, but after not receiving a reply from him yesterday it is the response that I expected today. I figured that he was mulling it over.

I sent him a quick note and told him that I am going to buy my ticket today (I will), that I will keep the country warm in his absence and that I wish him a wonderful holiday. What else can I do? It hurts. Of course it hurts. But I'm working hard right now to take it not as a hurt as in, "I'm rejecting you because you're not good enough or because there's something wrong with you," but as an "He may well be planning to be in Paris at his sister's for that long. And even if he isn't and he has other reasons, that's not a reason to hate myself or to feel inadequate."

1:10 p.m. - 2008-12-07

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