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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Oh la la la la la la

You know, I had the realization that I write too much from my ego here. It is difficult to completely lose one's ego.

Tonight C. and I went to the film festival. I'm glad that I went, although I do often feel so badly that C. and I spend so much time together. It absolutely gets in the way of him meeting girls at these events. I should push him away to chat to others.

I must admit that I was kind of on edge today. I have no idea why. I did a bit of yoga in the morning. I dithered around in the afternoon. And then I forced myself to go for a run this afternoon as I felt the tension building again.

Actually, I know what the problem is - my job, again. I find myself losing parts of my weekends because I get wound up about the fact that in a few short hours I'll be back in that job and that career that feel are going nowhere for me (in the sense of personal fufilment). I realized that I'm not solving anything in my meandering complaining about this here, but it's truthful to say that this is the problem. I feel in a panic that I'm running out of time in which to retrain myself to do something about which I can be passionate.

And let's not even get started on the running out of time to get married, have a family, etc. I don't even go there anymore.

So tonight was great, nevertheless. C. told me that he was definitely going to the German movie tonight. I had wanted to but my mood hadn't been great all day. I'm glad that I decided ultimately to go, since the movie was good and the reception afterwards quite pleasant.

At first, at the reception, C. and I were alone and fighting it out with the others for a morsel of food. (Really nice Argentinian red wine was served...mmmmm..., and there was plenty there, but food was in more limited supply.) We ultimately got a bit of food, as they brought out some liverwurst on crackers and also some sausage rolls as the crowd diminished. (This makes us sound like a couple of piranhas..he he he.) We also encountered my landlord, who tried to get me drunk right in front of C.'s eyes - I refused - brought me little bits of food, etc. I could tell that C. was getting a bit annoyed, but then all three of us began an animated conversation in French and C. could see that he's a very nice and charming man - not at all a rogue, even though he fancies himself a bit of a ladies man - and the evening ended well.

C. and I walked home from the archives, grabbed a slice of pizza each from the local joint and sat on my floor to eat it.

It was a pleasant night. I'm happy. I'm good. I'm feeling much more solid and confident and self-accepting each day. I can say each of these things with a genuine belief in their truth. Things are good. I'm always anxious for things to change even further, however, of course, and as I joked with C. about my imaginary Italian boyfriend I remembered - just a little bit - what I am missing.

And of course, too, I would like to see C. involved in a happy and successful relationship. He has been such a kind friend and I feel guilty for monopolising in some ways his energy.

What else? Well, not much. I've been very good about my budget in the last month, although I've gone to so many cultural events that I ended up spending more money this month than last. This, even though this month I spent almost no money on anything that I don't consider to be worthwhile - e.g. meals at work, coffees, other inessentials. I'm really happy with the way that I've streamlined my budget. (And I have not bought a single item of clothing or makeup or whatever else since I returned from Italy. Very proud of this.) So the point really is that I cut and spent less on some things, only to blow some of the savings on culture! I suppose that that's a reasonable tradeoff. You can now call me a "patroness of the arts." :)

Really, of what can I complain? I've experienced a great deal of pleasure this last month.

I think that 2008 will end with me concluding that it was a pretty good year for me. I've started a great many of the things that I had been wanting to start for a long time. All of these things are healthy and constructive. Not bad. Not everything, but not bad. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Oh, and the pompous guy from last night was there tonight! I succeeded in avoiding him. My Czech friend showed up before the movie just to say "Hi!" which was also nice, although he didn't stay. Men. :)

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11:30 p.m. - 2008-11-29

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