enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I've got my love to keep me warm.

I just read Anna's entry for today and I am utterly envious of her marvelous writing talent.

So here I am. I am awake. I slept extra-long as I had gone to bed late last night, and also on Friday night, and late nights are never good for me.

The challenge when I've been up late is to make the best use of the day. I always love this moment in the day - the very beginning - when I haven't yet screwed it up by being indecisive and waiting around until it is too late to do anything. I don't think that I am indecisive by nature, actually, but this indecision arises when I am unable to trust myself.

My career counselor had me do a very detailed Myers-Br!gg inventory the other day. The problem with this test for me is that I've done fascimiles of it so often - and overthought the damn thing every time, of course - that I know exactly what I believe I am, or what I've selected in the past, or what I think that they are trying to identify. The problem is that I am never sure whether I ought to answer the questions according to how I actually behave, which has been trained into me at least to a degree by my parents, my job, my education, etc, OR if I should answer according to what I believe my nature would indicate is the appropriate response.

As I write this down it seems extremely stupid to me and of course one should answer according to one's nature rather than one's socialization. A further example of my analytical mind from hell that leads me into a hole every time.

A good example of this is "Would you prefer to be with someone with a brilliant, quick mind or someone with a great deal of common sense?"

The answer is "Both!" I'll admit that I do get bored after a time if I am with someone who is simply nice and not at all clever. It's not that I don't like them. It's more that I just wish that they had something to say that could challenge me in some way, or help me to laugh in a genuine manner.

Not sure. But if I'm really, really honest, the people I like best are the solid, trustworthy, kind people who have a good feeling for other people. I DO like people with solid common sense. M. is that sort of a person. He's very smart in an intuitive sense, which I find to be rather unusual for a man.

But do you know what I answered on the test? A quick and brilliant mind.

You see, as I was doing the test I thought to myself that a quick and brilliant mind is best of course, provided that the person is not an asshole, i.e. has a healthy helping of humility, and warmly shares his or her gifts with others.

I've known a few people like this. I've met the occasional academic or even bureacrat, if you can believe it, who managed to be both brilliant and decent. One of my uncles is like this. You couldn't find a kinder person. And yet he was the youngest guy to complete a Ph.D. at his university. Ever. He continues to work as a very famous guy in his field. When I was a little girl he was the weird uncle who would bring me Christmas gifts like the book on natural selection when I was seven, and the insect trapping and pinning kits for various other special occasions. What a relief amongst all of the dolls that pooed and peed themselves!

But at the same time I think that I gave the wrong answer. I far prefer earthy, patient people who "understand" things in the sense of understanding the feelings of others.

I won't give you eighteen different examples, but you can imagine how difficult it was for me to complete that test. Another big area of trouble is the area about making lists and being scheduled. In this area I chose responses that much more closely reflected my nature. My nature is to be unstructured, free-wheeling and a complete slob. But over the years I've learned to schedule myself (although I have to reteach myself this all the time), and to always be on time or a little bit early, and to aim to get my work done a little bit early so that I don't suffer through waves of panic attacks at the end. All of these "planning" techniques I now do quite well, but I truly had to IMPOSE WITH MY IRON WILL AND OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY those things on myself. So I responded in all cases that I prefer to be unstructured and unscheduled. Because, if I lived in a fantasy world, no one would be allowed to bug me, ever. But is this true? These days I'm ALWAYS on time, always know what is coming next, and schedule quite well.

:)

Boring. Boring. I still can't believe that I had a cat fight last night. I'm always reluctant to tell other people about my reactions to C's female friends, because I HATE to be accused of being jealous. I really am not at all interested in C., and never will be. I genuinely liked the last girl he introduced me to and I hoped that things would work out for them together. The girl last night was simply a giant bitch. I'm sorry to use that word - I do it rarely - but she was AWFUL.

It's funny that C. thought that we would get along. I know exactly why he thought so, and I like him, dear boy, for trying. But men are so literal about things. This woman is clearly educated and is interested in the arts. She seemed to know a fair bit about film, and also about wine. I imagine that he drew a straight line from these things to...bing bing bing...me.

But this woman is the exact kind of pretentious that really gets my back up. She was clearly condescending to me, without any knowledge of or interest in what exactly my background and experience might be. I felt no need to explain or defend myself to someone so judgmental.

But I did feel pissed off. I mean, I was boiling under the collar.

Update: I just got off the phone with C., and to my utter amazement, he actually NOTICED that she was being condescending, agreed with me that she had gone way over the line, and thought it seemed like she was fighting over him with me. He said that he had been about to say something to her right before I blew up. C. is the least observant person of social cues ever, and we've had many an argument in the past over comments that I thought went right over his head, so I'm rather amazed.

Enough of that. I'm sure I've bored you totally.

My stomach hurts a little bit today. At the boom boom club last night I had a pint of Guinness. Their lines must not be clean or something. It gave me a horrible headache and I have stomach cramps. EEEWWEEEE.

That's all. Otherwise I feel great. It is a new day, yet again!

10:29 a.m. - 2008-11-23

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