enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sometimes, you can't do it on your own.

SO I woke up thinking really clearly about something.

This therapy was a good idea. I owe thanks to Anna for suggesting it. I was resistent for a long time, but I realize now that some things you cannot heal on your own. I was already surprised by what is likely the root of the problem. I was shocked by the power of my emotions last night, and absolutely shocked by the suppression that I'd obviously done of the worst memories of my life.

So everyone has a secret. That's how life is. It's definitely nice to have it floating out in space.

Anyhow! So life is good. Better.

I think I can start to be myself from here on out.

I mean, it's crazy that I haven't really believed that I could have a deep relationship with someone in almost nine years. There's a lot of pain that has to be scraped away.

And as I was thinking about it, I realized that as you scrape away the pain and forgive yourself, you can only then do the kind things that you need to do. For me, that's going to be changing my career.

Wow! So much seems possible now!

Yoga this morning. My god I wish the classroom weren't going to be so sunny though. My eyes are the puffiest, most horrible thing you could ever see. The blue parts are sticking out and bright against the red. I look a bit freaky, frankly. Are hats allowed in yoga?

After yoga I have brunch with my friend K and her husband. And possibly the guy who asked me out on a date a couple of weeks ago. I'm still not interested in dating him, but I do like him as a friend. I will never date him, so don't get ideas. :) He's WAAAAAAAAAAAY too young.

This evening is the film festival. I really get so very excited about the film festival. It's stupid, but what I love is as simple as being in a room full of people who LOOK cultured and artistic, even if I don't talk to any of them and have no hope of knowing any of them. C and his friend Yoh@nna are coming, as are K and her husband and two other guys. So that will likely further prevent me from chatting up any new people. Well, there is always another day.

I feel so excited, guys! I can't yet give much to other people - my energy is still very low - but I look forward with hope.

Is naked man cereal ever good. I've almost finished the box.

I just heard a piece about a fundraiser that occurred this week for the public library. I am SOOOOO sad that I did not go to it. It was a dinner with the theme of our first prime minister. Our first prime minister was AWESOME. He was a drunk. But he was so smart and a terrific wit. Canadians know pretty much nothing about him. TO me, that is a bit of a tragedy. Most people here take the one required Canadian history course in high school (not even sure if it is required in grade 10 anymore), and then take elective U.S. history later on. The idea is that U.S. history is more exciting. I took both Canadian and American history, and I thought that they were equally interesting. I would imagine though that this is because I am not that interested in wars and stuff, because there's more in the U.S. stuff that interests people with respect to that topic.

Anyhow. So the point of this is that I heard the best John A. M@cdonald quote on the radio. And I mean, this guy was ALWAYS drunk. But he was still a wit. Apparently when an early campaigner for votes for women asked him, "Sir, why is it that you should have the vote and I should not?" his immediate response was, "Madam, I cannot conceive."

Ha!

I like a good drunk. And he had a large, trustworthy nose.

Do you know what's quite funny though? It's when you meet Americans who have actually studied Canadian history. It's a VERY niche market. It's not like it's offered in every high school the way that U.S. history is offered here. There are even Canada/Canadian studies degree programs in the U.S., of course, although I doubt that they are very popular...anywhere. SO the funniest thing though is when you meet someone who has studied Canada as a DEGREE. I met a few of those when I lived in Washington. And honestly, these people are crazy! They were basically trying to tell me that they knew more about Canada than I did, even though I believe that at least one of them had never been there. But that's all OK, since they probably did know more about the academic stuff related to Canada. But do you know what it all felt like? It felt a bit like I imagine a Star Tr3k convention might feel like. I mean, I was half expecting the one guy to crack out his best beaver impression, he was so passionate about Canada. I'm sure that there are people who are like this across the globe. It's a little bit like me with Italy, I suppose. It's just so funny when someone's pick is Canada! :)

ACK! It's getting late and I need some coffee before yoga! Because everyone needs to be bouncing off the walls during yoga!

9:45 a.m. - 2008-11-22

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