enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not a newsflash: Economics depresses me.

So I went to my career counseling appointment.

You likely won't believe me, but I didn't mention anything at all about not being interested in economics...until very far into the appointment.

So we started out by discussing my current position, the fact that I'm feeling unfulfilled in it, and my education. I could tell that she was growing increasingly puzzled, for a variety of reasons. (I confess that it is a bit odd to have ten+ years of university education, mostly in economics, and to appear to have no passion for it...)

So then it sort of came out that I have been going to Italy and am starting to try to get fulfillment in other ways, i.e. outside of the office.

We had spent the entire session talking about mentorship and other paths within the department, i.e. figuring out how I can find a position within the department that gives me more fulfillment, allows me to work up to my capacity, yadda yadda.

So I mentioned that most of what I consider to be my skills, as well as the things that I have enjoyed the most in my past life (writing about economic history, being creative in my academic life, teaching, etc.) are not at all being utilized in my work life.

And then it sort of came out about the Italy thing and the original archival work that I had done on women's labour market issues during my Ph.D. days, etc., etc.

And the woman just stopped. This was 45 minutes into the appointment. She looked at me and she said, "I don't usually do this, but I think you should figure out a way to get out of this department. You just became a completely different person - I mean a COMPLETELY different person - when you started to talk about these other things. I think that your job is killing you a little bit every day!"

Yes!

My two friends who had gone to see her had basically come up with plans as to how to move around the department.

With me, the woman kept on talking and talking and the session went long. She was giving me all sorts of suggestions as to how I could take small steps to get out. She even told me directly that I shouldn't give up on living more completely as myself, even if it means going back to school again.

This is all very puzzling, in a way, and so validating, because never once in the appointment did I say that I was seriously considering going back to school, etc., etc. In fact, quite the opposite. I do think it is relatively impossible at this point for me to change completely, to go and do a Ph.D. in history or something. Really, it all seems crazy. I was selling more the line that I could find another job in the department that might provide me with greater opportunities to write and to interact with others on issues about which I care deeply.

And then she got to the issue of values. She said that she could tell that I'm someone for whom it is critically important to be working within my values. I haven't yet done the Myers-Brigg inventory, etc.

SO this is a RAMBLE. But I feel so excited. It is so nice to have someone else recognize that what you're thinking about yourself might not be completely crazy or wishful thinking.

Who knows where this is going. But I feel more buoyed up that it is possible to get out of here, and that there is a good reason to do so. And do you know what's funny? I never had the chance to tell her that I do not have a family or anything at all to tie me down.

Hmmm...

1:30 p.m. - 2008-11-20

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