enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just some mindless rambling

Mariastuart: I'm glad that you enjoyed the squirrel pictures. I must say that I feel more sympathetic to squirrels now. :)

Another grey day in the capital!

This time of year is truly dreadful. It will be much prettier with the snow.

I looked out the window this morning, and where I'd had a curtain of gorgeous yellow leaves to look at in recent months, now I have only bare, spindly branches.

So the plans last night ended up mutating. I started watching movies on tv at 6 p.m., I'm embarrassed to admit (my cable has STILL not been cut off!), and that's what I ended up doing for the entire evening. I had intended to go out, but my friend S., the Czech guy who is wonderful but who invented complaining, called. He's a bit depressed again.

I can completely understand why he's down. He's a bit like me. He's more than capable of doing a bunch of things, but he tends to worry about all of the stages preceding the fulfilment of a particular dream. He's also in the final stages of a long, drawn-out Ph.D. in economics, which I know full well is incredibly painful. Well, let's face it, economics is painful. The study of it breaks all but the most certain.

But anyhow. S. is an interesting guy. He's actually a very good researcher, but he's been drifting for a number of years. He wants to move back to the EU, and he plans to do so this summer, but he's not at all proactive about looking for jobs. Every time I talk to him he talks about going to work for his friend who has made a fortune in investments in Eastern Europe. The problem is that my friend is more of a philosophical, academic, idealistic type, and I suspect not at all suited to business. But one never knows, I suppose.

So the point of the last bit is that he called me at about 6:15 and I was on the phone with him for about an hour and a half, with mounting frustration that I couldn't get him to commit to even meeting me at a film tonight or at yoga...or whatever.

It's always the case with him. He says he wants to do things, but then he never does. And he's SO negative. He's such a downer to talk to. I encouraged him to go to see a doctor if he feels that that would help, but he doesn't think that he's depressed. He's been this way since I've known him, so perhaps it IS just his personality. He's a very good friend, however, and when I've ever needed his help with econometric problems he's been more than generous with his attention and skill. And he's very kindly interested in my life and in my success.

Perhaps he frustrates me because his inactivity has reminded me of mine, and although I'm doing better lately I worry that I'll slide back into thinking that there are too many problems that will get in the way of my moving forward. I'm quite afraid to fall back into a rut.

SO, anyhow... that was my evening. We actually both came to an interesting insight in that we both acknowledged that people who go into economic research almost always end up depressed. We concluded that the constantly detailed thinking quickly takes over thinking in all other areas of life, and such people are burdened with the false belief that they can "solve" any problem by thinking.

I'm inclined to agree. So basically what I'm saying is that I'm in a job that is putting me at risk, infecting my life. :)

Of course I realize that such people are predisposed in the first place.

So it truly is grey today. I don't feel at all like going outside.

I need to decide quickly what I'm going to do today and to commit to it, else I'll likely not get to it.

I'll not belabour this.

What else?

Oh! I was thinking about sleep. I honestly believe that if one wants to lose weight or at least regulate one's weight effectively sleep is essential. I always notice that when I get a good 8 hours of sleep every night my body stays really lean and fresh. When I start cutting corners on sleep my body stores more fat, water, etc. I think it must be that sleep helps us to regulate stress hormones, which otherwise cause our bodies to store energy.

I'm no doctor, obviously, but I'm always amazed at how great of an impact even just one extra hour of sleep can have on my physical well-being. And this is particularly true over a long horizon. I suppose that everyone is different and requires different amounts of sleep. I'm definitely not a CEO-type who functions equally well on 5 hours of sleep; I need my 8 hours.

Soo...I can't remember what I was going to say. No matter. I should have a shower, get organized to at least go out for a walk today, perhaps prepare some nice plans for cooking. If only weekends had three days!!!!

You know, I'm looking around my apartment right now with its soft light and I'm feeling so lucky. I always have this big, soothing space under the roof in which to find refuge when work is over. I feel so grateful for this and for the other luxuries (dance tickets, yoga passes) that my income provides to me. Thank you!

I think I'm going to knit a little evening top or sweater for the Christmas period. I have some very pretty patterns and only need to buy a couple of balls of yarn. I'm going to make this work! I haven't bought any clothes at all since I returned from Italy, and I've been religiously tracking all of my expenditures in an Excel workbook. I want to remove all of the wasteful things from my life, so that I can focus attention only on what matters. It's a good feeling. Why waste when money can do much better things in other places!? And I'm going to make pasta by hand again today! I think I'll make some more of that squash ravioli! Mmmmm...Finally, I'm really OK with not talking to M. I think about him sometimes, but I am gradually putting a distance between us. I feel fine about it. I kind of think that I can accept at some point that I had that experience in order to find a better perspective on myself again. I mean, what better thing than to be reminded that you are worth being loved?

That's all of my positive thinking for the day. It's all out there. :)

9:58 a.m. - 2008-11-16

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