enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Salute

Oy...I'm sorry: I'm a rather rotten buddy these days.

I've been so tired since I got back from Italy. At first it was that I was ill, and then in the last few weeks I think it has been the change of light, etc., etc.

I feel dull. I feel OK this week, but I can't say that I'm great. In Italian class tonight we had a conversation about whether we were married or had kids and so on...and of course everyone else was married and/or common law and/or with kids.

It's not that I'm embarrassed to be single, but rather that people push me on it. "Oh you don't have kids YET...But you must have gone to Italy with your BOYFRIEND? Have you not ever been married?"

It's not even that I mind these questions. It's that I mind that I seem to be impotent with respect to getting any of these things. Quite flattening, really.

So I walked home from Italian class just feeling...flat again, for lack of a better word.

I know it's all getting better. It's just a matter of patience. But I feel tired.

So anyhow. :) This is all to say simply that I'm very busy these days forcing myself to go out every night in order to get moving (in one way or another). Tomorrow I'm at the symphony, if my landlord can get tickets. I feel rather sorry for him now that I know that he is almost 80, and really if I'm not volunteering with seniors at the moment, per se, I'm offering something of this to him. His eyes literally light up when I knock on his door. I can understand why as although he sees his kids and grandkids a couple of times a week, the rest of the time he is at home sitting in front of the tv by himself, or playing chess online with invisible people. So I can do a good deed. It doesn't hurt me and I enjoy being able to practise my French.

So there. Oh. I forgot to make my point. My point is that I'm being a bad buddy. I apologize. I'm split mostly between lack of energy and trying to get the heck out of my apartment. I've also been spending a lot of time thinking about what I'm going to do for Christmas. In the end I think I've committed to not spending money on another European vacation BY MYSELF, and thereby to staying at home by myself. :( I am also trying to gear myself up to prepare my own celebration, inclusive of decorations. This would be a big step for me. But it would be a sort of act of faith...in something, or at least in some kind of hope. I feel sometimes as though hope has disappeared, although there must still be some or else I wouldn't be so FULL of ideas.

Yes, so I'm all over the place these days. These entries are hastily cobbled together rough notes to myself, mostly to keep myself moving. Or to clear my head. Not sure which. It's all in general OK, but I'm quite impatient for something positive and wonderful to happen soon!

11:50 p.m. - 2008-11-12

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