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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Another day of one hundred fifty...

Not a great day, although I half-blame myself because I didn't sleep adequately. I was simply too wound up after the concert. I should have known that I would pay!

I had French class all morning, anyhow, which is easy for me. There is a huge debacle now that one of our teachers has left the school, however, and today we had a teacher going between two different classes. I hate it when people waste my time. I found myself starting to get annoyed after three hours. Thank goodness we still have our wonderful Friday teacher.

Otherwise I was thinking, calmly, objectively, today how much I hate my job. It will be one year next Wednesday. I am grateful for it, of course, and I am not about to cut and run or slack off, but I acknowledged to myself today that I hate it and that THAT'S OK.

I'm still not knowing what I'm going to do about it, but again THAT'S OK.

I have a make-up Italian class tonight. I'm feeling rather badly as A.'s dinner is happening right now and so I decided that it would be too late for me to get there after Italian. I do miss A. and feel rather like a schmuck for going to Italian rather than meeting up with his friends, but what can you do? I am reluctant to skip Italian, because Italian is this thing that I've tried to do in order to truly change my usual patterns in life.

OH! I got an appointment with that counselor for next Friday. I was kind of excited about it, since he came highly recommended, but then when I was talking to him on the phone I got a bad feeling. Maybe you're going to call me paranoid or crazy, but I got this feeling that I am going to find him creepy or flirtatious.

I know that that sounds weird, but I have to be honest that my last counselor really scarred me in this regard. I had a counselor, as I mentioned, when I was having extreme panic attacks during grad school. You're going to think that I'm delusional, or something, but I always felt that this guy kind of had a thing for me...and it was creepy. He seemed inordinately interested in my sex life...

Anyhow. Paranoia, perhaps. But I suppose that there's always the increased probability that not only caring but predatory people go into jobs like this. You know, like priests.

Meh. Whatever. I suppose we'll see. I shouldn't prejudge.

I'd really just like some outside perspective on why I keep on blocking myself from having relationships and being less hard on myself. I'm really brutally horrible to myself, and I can't seem to stop in spite of knowing sincerely that it is a TERRIBLE thing to do.

Mmmmm...olive oil is delicious. I love to just dip bread in olive oil. It makes me happy. Probably because it reminds me of Italy. Well, duh!

I wish I could get a dog, you know? I do love dogs so much. Dogs impose a huge burden and I'd need to pursuade my landlord - oh and of course there's the barking thing when I'm not here during the day - but how wonderful it would be to have a canine pal!

Sometimes life tires me out...

So I'm going to turn off. Thirty minutes before the walk to Italian must begin. Buona Notte!

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5:48 p.m. - 2008-11-12

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