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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I don't know.

I wish I had half as much cool as ANNA! (Oh and Mona.) I'm the world's biggest nerd.

Reminds me of Marco saying to me at one point, "You don't flirt. And you're such a lady."

(Somehow, I don't think that that is a compliment coming from an Italian.)

Anyhow. :)

So...I did, indeed, heartily enjoy my Italian class. My Italian teacher is a very interesting guy, in part because he's lived all over the world. He works with refugees here, in his day job. He's married though and has a couple of kids (otherwise of COURSE I would try to unlady myself as much as possible - I do love Italians).

That was an aside. I'm actually not at all interested in my Italian teacher. I must say though that after writing off my feelings for Marco earlier this evening, my teacher's "Ciao, bella!" as I left had me changing my mind. (Although Marco's never said that to me...)

Well. Enough of that.

SO I'm writing again as I had the weirdest surprise in my inbox when I returned home. Initially I was kind of creeped out, but when i opened it I discovered that it was quite harmless and actually very sweet.

When I first arrived in Ottawa a couple of years ago, I went on about ten dates in two months, from one of those online dating sites. After that I went on a grand total of maybe a half dozen dates, spread out over the following year or so. And then I quit that silliness, as you know.

One of the first guys I met two years ago was a very nice guy, only he was very, very, very funny looking, and also I thought he was gay, he's in the military, he was leaving shortly thereafter to live in Texas to train to be a pilot or something...and you get the picture. I didn't really consider him a genuine dating option, although I agreed to have dinner with him...once.

So...here's the mail that I received. Pretty nice:

Hi there EB,

I was transferring my contacts to my new iPhone today and came across your address. Made me smile actually.

Just wanted to tell you that despite our only meeting once and exchanging a few e-mails, you made a rather disproportionate impact. Somehow you ended up being one of those people who stand out when I rewind the tape. I do know that - fully recognizing that this might sound kinda creepy - I always made sure to read your ever-evolving (insert dating site name) profiles. Not only were they by far the most interesting of the lot, they served as a reminder that there are people out there who are drawn to "quadrate pegs in ovoid holes" and that perhaps being "complex" isn't the social death knell it most often seems to be. (Um, I'd disagree with you, dude, and so would you, if you could see me now...but I digress. :))

Of course you've been away from (site) for some time... I definitely got the sense that you were frustrated by that process. I hope that being away means that you found the right fit; the right guy. Or perhaps finally - happily - just said, "to hell with it!" :-)

All that said - hope everything is great with you.


I don't think I'll reply to this as I think it would encourage him. It's a shame though that a torrent of emails would follow - I think - from this guy, as this email was a nice thing to send.

So, apparently there are some other wankers out there who appreciate my wankerlyness.

I think he just liked the fact that I paid for my own dinner.

:)

Ah, sigh.

When I was walking TO class tonight I was musing on the idea that one of the things that one needs to learn is that SOMETHING needn't happen every day. Often, life is slow and boring and grey. (Very grey, in fact, if you live in Canada in November.) I need to learn to be more patient and less inclined to declare my life a debacle, when things are simply quiet.

I was also musing about how it's OK to not be completely "up" on a given day. Today I was kind of flat, although not depressed. I keep on waiting for last week's pit to occur again, which is not sensible thinking. As always in my life, I'm just waiting for the bottom to drop out.

At the same time I knew that I was OK, tonight, as my empathy gene was intact. I wasn't thinking of myself as I left the class, but rather of the teacher and his life, and perhaps what difficulties he has in his life in raising his family, working for an NGO as a recent immigrant from Ven3zuela himself, and teaching night school. I was hoping he got home quickly to his kids and his wife.

Incidentally, I called my friend's counselor on Friday - he sounds terrific and highly qualified, actually - but he hasn't yet called back. I think it's likely related to the holiday weekend - everyone but me seems to have a life and has taken Monday and gone away.


And speaking of having a life...I was walking home from Italian on the dark, cold streets, and thinking about how I might end up alone for the rest of my life. Shudder. On the one hand I think it best that I prepare for this, but on the other hand I do wonder if all of my preparing for this means that I will continually PREVENT myself from changing this state. I just don't know.

At any rate, I was thinking about how life is difficult, and how you just have to FEEL acceptance of it. I sort of felt that momentarily, as I walked home in the grey, in the cold, on the cracked pavement, under the swirling dead leaves.

I've thought a lot about how life has passed me by, I realize, and I thought of exactly what I want to say to that counselor: sometimes I feel as though I don't exist. I've left no imprint; I walk on the outside. As I think this I don't feel sad, but rather practical and clinical. It's as though I'm playing that child's game of covering my eyes and assuming that no one can see me.

It's funny, that.

Oh, and I forgot the best thing: I managed to convince C. to go to a big tango dance concert with me tomorrow night. It's in the giant concert hall at the National Arts C3ntre. I can't wait. I love tango so much.

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9:57 p.m. - 2008-11-10

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