enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Really not much to tell.

First, Fifi, so glad you had a wonderful holiday!

I'm still at the office, only I can't work anymore. So I won't!

I have Italian class tonight. I do like Italian class, although at this moment I of course feel more like going home than going to class. It should help me out to go, however, given that although I feel perfectly *happy* today, I'm deffo feeling anxious (holding my breath, not thinking clearly, etc.). How does one explain that?

I'm really on the fence about Paris. I thought about it earlier today a bit but I still feel very Meh! about it. When I think about going to the MD'O for the pastels exhibition my heart sings, but when I think about being alone in another large city for another week by myself...

It's not that there's anything great for me to do here. I've decided that I definitely will not go to my mother's place, since she always makes me feel worse. Given that I'm trying to grow and get stronger and happier, this is not a good choice.

I could go to friends' houses here, but I really don't like the parents of the friends who have invited me. A.'s parents are coming in from Trinidad. This is unfortunate, as her mother is truly unpleasant. (In front of a room full of guests last year she went on and on about how fat her daughter is looking. UGH!)

So, scratch Christmas. Honestly, I really, really don't like Christmas. I don't want to rain on anyone else's parade, but I just don't want to celebrate it anymore. I want it to be over before it has even started!

This email makes me sound gloomy. I'm not at all gloomy! I guess what I'm wondering is if I should stick it out here over Christmas and just make sure that I invest my time wisely - do more drawing, read books I really want to read, take long walks. Ideally, I would do each of these as well without feelings of guilt.

On another interesting - and I suspect at least slightly related - note, I felt for the first time since I came back from Italy today a letting go of the idea of M. I actually imagined myself choosing to never see him again and just moving on and attempting a real relationship with a person within my sphere of activity. It didn't feel great but it felt OK. It might be what I ought to do.

Did I mention that someone took me on a stealth date on Saturday? I'm half kidding. I got to brunch on Saturday and the other people hadn't turned up. It was just me and this one guy from work. I quite like this guy, so it was no drama, although I would never date him (way too young, too serious, etc...).

So at the end of the brunch he not only insisted on paying and that I could get him 'next' time, but told me he had to ask me a question. The question was whether I would ever consider going on a date with someone from work? He might well have been asking for someone else, as there's a guy across the floor who seems to be interested (also 26 and way too serious...what is it with these guys?). Although from the way that he asked and the way that he looked after he got my answer, I'm thinking that he was trying to set up something for the two of us. Either way, I don't think it's a good idea. These guys are way too young and inexperienced, and given my general level of anxiety at work I think that including dating in the equation is a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD idea.

I suppose i should be happy that SOMEONE wants to date me. But still.

Oh and A. is coming to Ottawa on Wednesday and he has arranged a dinner. He's only here for one night and so it's with a group of friends. No pressure, as a result. He and I have been skirting the issue of dating since...1999. Yes, you heard correctly. He would be a great catch for me, and I for him. But could I actually follow through? Hmm...not sure.

Anyhow. This is not very interesting. I've had a very boring day, closeted in my office reading things and having virtually no communication with the outside world. Singing along to bad pop songs by Zucch3ro in class should swing the pendulum the other way.

Damn I wish I had some chocolate here.

6:07 p.m. - 2008-11-10

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