enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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getting busy.

Well this is great. I'm up and it's like nothing happened this week. I feel completely normal.

It seems that the key is that I need to distract myself from thinking about my job. It's only when I think about my job and how much I hate it, and start to think of my job as ME, that I end up feeling deeply gloomy. At that point all of the other oh-woe-is-me stuff layers on top.

So, forgetting about the job is the key. The job is not me. That's the issue to detach. And I need to get out more and make more friends. This latter bit I'm doing.

Ah life is tiring. I'm glad that I shall have the whole weekend for drawing. I'm going on a vault tour of the national portrait gallery (building not yet built) on Sunday, and tomorrow is volunteering and yoga. Monday I will probably go to work, but Tuesday we have a national holiday for Rem3mbrance Day of course. So a nice week.

I really am very, very lucky. I need to constantly remind myself of this. YEsterday, my director who hasn't even acknowledged me in weeks, asked me how I was doing and started chatting with me. Even that tiny bit of attention turned around my attitude towards the job, so I've realized that I do work in an extremely harsh environment. It is not for the faint of heart or the emotionally needy. You have to do your work and expect to be critiqued more than acknowledged. SO I'm going to work harder and then passionately enjoy my off time.

I think I'll call one of the counselors today, just to have a net. I'm definitely reluctant to talk about my mother and father and crap like that. I want that to be done. I hope that these counselors have a bit of creativity.

The final thing that I've noted is that I never get enough sleep during the week. That's my problem, not anyone else's. I need to be disciplined about getting to bed before midnight, and that will help a great deal. I put so much pressure on myself by trying to work well when I am not fully revitalized. I stay up, well, because I don't like my job and want to steal more time for me...not a great strategy.

I also realized that I can do something every day in order to be more productive. I bought a dance subscription on Tuesday, in spite of my budget, because I know that it is important to plan for things that are special. And then on Wednesday I was feeling stuck as to what to do with my workplace charitable donations in terms of where they could be useful, and then I realized that I could just donate them all to MS research. Just making the act of TRYING to do something helpful for someone else made me feel better. SOoooo...focus on the keys: gratitude, sharing, perspective! Well, to a great weekend! To moving forward and getting busy!

8:15 a.m. - 2008-11-07

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