enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Yes, I'm here!

First, thanks for your wonderful notes and comments! You are all lovely. I am just catching up on your lives!.

It is ridONculously cold in Ottawa right now.

Good thing I'm knitting a fluffy white toque. I've decided to compete with Anna for "best head covering."

If you don't know what a "toque" is, you're clearly not a Canuck. :)

And that's OK.

NOT writing here has been good for me. It's making me more forceful in my life. I really don't want to write about "my problems" here. Because let's face it: I don't have any problems. That's become clearer and clearer to me. Now's the time for me to live and enjoy the wonder that is m life, whilst I'm young and healthy and free.

I've realized that I'm at a stage at which I don't want any advice, even from WONDERFUL and very well-meaning other people. I just want to figure things out for myself. I was at my most powerful when I was younger and in the words of my friend I was "open as the sky, dance of the stars, play of the wind."

Life isn't like that now, of course. I now have commitments that I can't just throw off. I still have no idea where I'm going. But I'm ruminating less and working a bit at taking my whims and running with them. Gradually the sands will shift and I'll find myself in a new place; the right place for me. Who knows where! How exciting.

I think that that's it for now. I'll write more tomorrow. I'll have fun with this journal from here on out. Life is play.

I saw a cute film tonight, before going to a dull birthday party with dull people and sitting by a bloody cold window (couldn't they have hired people who know how to install a window properly?) in a bar that was trying to be Toronto which tries to be New York. In other words, I paid prices for two drinks which were two times removed too expensive, at a bar with silly people who don't want to just. be. themselves. Ottawa never ceases to be tiresome.

Having said that, I commented to C. at the movie tonight that there are indeed some interesting people in Ottawa. There was a huge crowd there for the film and so many of the people in it actually looked interesting! Who knew! I said to C, "Gee, PEOPLE actually live in Ottawa!"

And he knew what I meant.

Tomorrow I'm going to make my own chicken head out of a paper bag and then bawk! bawk! bawk! around my apartment.

I'm making popcorn now. It's cold. I'm going to cozy up in my chair.

I got my promotion confirmed on Monday. I'm going to get retroactive pay for the last several months. I've decided to fly to Paris or London for a week at Christmas! (I get basically a week off between Christmas and NY!) I'd really love to just enjoy ART for a week. Just me and art. Unless of course my friend and her husband who invited me this week to go to Spain with them comes through and books something to Barcelona, and then I'll go there with them.

I really want to go to Florence, but I don't want to go there and have M. feel pressured to see me. In fact, I'm pissed off at him at the moment. He keeps on writing me these lovey emails in which he "misses me" and I'm "in his heart" and he was "looking over the sea in the Cinqu3 T3rre and thinking of being with you (me)" and then the bastard is in California for two weeks and hasn't asked me to fly there to meet him for two days.

I'm being cool about it as I don't want to spend a snitty email whilst he's there, but I've realized that I'm a DO type. If you really like someone you don't worry as he does about how much it will hurt when you can't be with the person. No. You live for now and you enjoy being with them at the moment. When I was in Italy he suggested that I meet him in California. He also suggested that we meet somewhere else. And he hasn't followed up on this. I would do it. I would fly to California. But I don't want to say it whilst he's there, because I want him to make the gesture. I feel a major "telling off" coming. :)

Feel free to comment on this one.

At any rate, I'm tired of men. I would like to meet a man who isn't gutless or weak or scarred or childish for once.

OK, maybe Anna is excluded from commenting on that one. ;)

Ha ha. Just joking. But do you know what is really irking me? We're a great match for each other and he knows it. We're connected in some way. I can't explain it. He knows things before I say them, and I know what he's going to do before he does it. I wish he weren't such a gutless bastard. I hope he senses that I'm saying that about him right now. :) As always, of course, he is not the point. The point is that I've shifted onto a new, better track. I'm centred and peaceful and growing. Still...bastard!

I just burned my popcorn. Crap.

OK. I'm off. To knit. And then to bed.

Sweet dreams and jelly beans!

Oh! I cut my hair shorter and I'm going to go back to short (not SHORT short but Katie Holm3s short, I mean), next hair cut! As soon as I cut it shorter last weekend I felt that it was a metaphor for everything else in my life. I'm returning to myself, lifting the curtain...and it feels good! Oh and I have not bought any clothes at all! I have been budgeting and smart and I feel so focused on what I am working towards...so good! I went to a lecture by a Leonardo da Vinc! scholar dude last week! Fun!

12:20 a.m. - 2008-11-02

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