enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Hmmm..

Today was kind of a hilarious day. By this I mean that I was grumpy as hell and knew it right from when I rolled out of bed, but I wasn't falling off the deep end or anything.

This whole grumpy thing today led me to realize something: a great deal is expected of me.

I got to French class and just wanted to be left alone, quiet, and to do my own exercises. No one could handle me not being engaged, however, including the teacher. They kept on trying to get me excited. Oy. I did rev up a little bit but really I was not. into. it.

And then at work I flat out told my boss that I was in a bad mood. He laughed.

I can't help myself. I realize that I'm a bit like the energizer bunny at work. I sort of go and go and go and go. Well except when I am goofing of. Beh non, maybe ESPECIALLY when I am goofing off.

Still have not found a cheap ticket for NYC. I think it's off.

So something else interesting happened today. My friend K., who is a girl who has been depressed for quite some time, sort of forced me to go out for lunch with her. She had called me yesterday and asked, and I had said OK.

So the phone rang immediately after I returned from French. I didn't feel that I could say no.

She has gradually pulled herself out of depression, with the help of medication and counseling.

But here's the interesting thing. She said, "Do you know that you're my inspiration?!"

Huh?

Well, I think I understand. I've been very steady this year. I guess I've learned that things always change. They just change. They get better in a way, but they also get worse. There's no need to dwell on either side of the possible outcomes. Life is difficult. That's the simple truth. My step-father tried to beat that into my head for years and years, and he was correct.

I think that life is especially difficult when you persist in thinking about all of the things that you want to have in life, and also expect them to happen. The fact is that a lot of these wonderful things will NOT happen. The trick is to love what does materialize. It's never as you imagine it and it's not likely to be the array of perfect images you might have had in your head, but if you change your thinking around about what it actually is, all is fine. It's just so simple when you finally feel this. I feel this, most of the time these days.

Oddly, in a conscious way, I don't find myself slipping into negativity these days. I'm in general not self-critical. I can't think of a moment this week of interpreting something as reflective of extreme shortcomings in myself. That's definite progress.

In other news though I did reflect a bit about M. today. He popped into my mind. I definitely miss him. How to deal with that and how to move on continues to remain a bit of a mystery.

But whatever. What can I do?

C. and I will likely ride bikes tomorrow morning! And then of course I have the girls' night out tomorrow night. The Ottawa Writ3rs Festival is on starting tomorrow as well and so hopefully I'll be able to find some free events to go to on Sunday. The entry fees are SO steep. I had to spend money having my boots repaired today and so I am already on track to spend more than I had wanted to spend this month. But at least I'm tracking it and conscious.

I just had a thought. Maybe this peace in me is all about the fact that I am being completely honest with myself and facing all of the things that I want to change. Honesty works!

I think that that is it. I'm going to MOntreal with K. next weekend, I think. She wants me to come along with her and her husband. I don't really want to sacrifice my Saturday, but a road trip could be good for me. And Montreal is quite dynamic.

Well...c'est tout. I did six hours of French study today. If I do this a few times a week every week I'll be able to morph into the new Beaud3laire! I informed my teacher of this in class today when I was at my usual forty questions in inquiring about the various uses of the subjunctive in literary contexts.

Ha!

Maybe that's my life's destiny: become a French poet.

Hmmm...

Clothing: I wore a bright pink scarf today.

Thought: I think that the secret to life IS to do the thing you are afraid of. Who ever knew? Actually, I've realized that you can only change your thoughts effectively by taking action and thereby experiencing things differently than the bad things that formed your habits of thought about things in the first place. (Phew!) This explains why the M. thing has been so effective in making me feel much more attractive and deserving of love and genuine affection as a woman.

Food: Breakfast bad (muffin and fair trade coffee at break in class- rolled out of bed WAAAAAAAAAAY late). Healthy homemade lunch of chicken and squash. CRAP at office party (I'm turning into a giant crisp). Giant carrot and pasta at home. Definitely missing magnesium

Inspiration: Giant, yellow tree outside my window, just like this one in this Tissot (which is much prettier in person): His mistress, by the way.

10:01 p.m. - 2008-10-17

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