enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The little engine that could.

I can't believe that I wrote a garbled entry about Alan!s Moriss3tte earlier!

I went through some of her old songs on Youtub3, and I realized that I don't so much dislike her music as that I wouldn't choose to listen to it. Some of it is really not bad. It's just not what I would pick to put on when sitting around my house.

I'm afraid that of all things I am not very open to music. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with music really throwing off my rhythm. For a long time I think I've been too sensitive, too afraid of becoming anxious.

I really believe that that is all dissipating, actually. I think that it had a lot to do with the complex that I developed from childhood, of thinking that the rug was about to be pulled out from under me at all times. I felt that I had to be on high alert.

I don't feel that way right now. I feel much more embracing. I feel very calm.

I actually think that I am entering a very joyful phase of life, because I'm feeling so excited about challenging myself.

I will challenge myself in big and small ways.

For example, today I elected to take a bike ride, and for once I actually listened to my little inner voice. I didn't listen to the punishing voice that told me to go hard or go home. I listened to the voice that told me to avoid the wilderness park with all of the Thanksgiving drivers out to see the fall colours, and instead rode the bike paths around the city. I rode up the canal, through the arboretum, across the locks, up to another bay, down a river that joins into that bay, and back up along an even bigger river (to the canal, and to my house). The total ride was probably only 30 km or so, but it was very nice and peaceful. There were some pedestrians on the paths, but not too many.

So yeah! A good afternoon. I chose to do the shorter ride so that I would be able to come back and do other things like sit at my desk. It's a nice feeling.

SO I can't quite explain it, but what I feel truly excited about it challenging myself to do things differently than I usually do. This can be choosing to walk down a different street, or choosing to take a different course. If every day I wake up with this idea that I can find new challenges and experiences, I can be happy.

If I look at myself critically and lovingly, I would have to say that what I do best of all things is figure out different ways to do things. I'm good at imagining new ways to approach things. I don't really like following someone else's rules and plans. It's funny though, to think of for how long I have not permitted myself to think MY way. I have not allowed myself to put on different lenses. I've tried to conform so that I can have the job and build the life that everyone else here seems to want.

I saw quite a few families on the bike path today. Many of them looked very nice. But I felt good and happy that I'm not in one of them. I feel certain that I would not be happy being one of those Ottawa ladies sitting in the park by Rid3au Hall, looking like ladies cut out of a catalogue. It's just not who I was meant to be.

Fun!

So now I have time to figure out something else new and cool to try out today. Maybe I will look for a gallery opening or something. Next weekend, there is a cool thing going on in town. They call it the Art Bus. It takes one around to different art exhibitions and studios. I'm not sure about the quality of the art as I've herad different things, but what the hell!

There will also be a Japanese film festival next weekend and so I am looking forward to that.

As I was riding today I was also thinking about my apartment in Florence. One day I will own that apartment and I will live there and work there. I don't know how I will do it or what I'll be doing. But I will do it.

I also have a weird feeling that I will spend time in Africa. I've never even been to Africa before. But I have a feeling.

OH! Before I go! Isn't it just amazing to see the world economic system in action? When I think about how little understanding (or at least consensus) there was of/about things like monetary systems even as of the late 1970s, it truly amazes me. Go markets!

(Really, go markets!) (Countries can't agree on a plan to easily eradicate world hunger, but isn't it amazing to see how easy it is to make commitments when markets stumble?)

Go me!

Go you!

Now I'm going to go and irrationally pray for a surprise election result that will actually benefit this country...

2:43 p.m. - 2008-10-13

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