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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Boxes and circles

So today has been a great day. I think that I might be done with realism.

Well, not really. But you know what I mean.

I'm noticing a nice, subtle shift in me. I do not feel at all deficient or guilty for staying in this weekend.

Today I cooked, cleaned, listened to a couple of terrific radio programs, read a bit at my desk, did some admin work (election reading, neighbourhood stuff, reviewing of the film festival timetable...you know, stuff).

One of the radio programs was with the woman I would WANT to be, if I could be another woman. Well, one of them, anyhow. She used to be a professor of classics at the University of Toront0, but since she now lives in Barcelona I am guessing that she has recently retired. She's originally from South Africa. She is a wonderful writer. She just had published her third book of cultural anthropological uber-cool non-fiction. I love her. This one is on the meaning of "thanks."

As I said, I want to be her. Sparkling with wit and understanding: Margaret V!sser. This new book is at the top of my list of things to read. I have to put myself on the waiting list at the library, since I am not buying books at the moment. :(

Soooo...that was nice.

And then Mz Bee had sent me a link on the opr@h website to an article which I read. But then I was sucked in by other articles on that site and I must say that there is some good stuff there.

I must admit that I'm not a big Opr@h person, although there is nothing wrong with her. I just prefer for things in general to be a bit more guarded and...sensible, I guess. I find that she veers a bit too far into selling fantasies to people, much like the S3cret. (Although I believe that the underlying notions are in general useful and make sense for people willing to work for it.)

If that makes any sense.

But anyhow. As far as self-help goes, there are some terrific articles on the website. I particularly enjoyed those by a woman called M@rtha B3ck. In fact, I think that she has helped me with my current stumbling blocks.

I should find the link, but she has a great article about finding your inner superhero.

Sounds really goofy, but what it amounts to is that you've already got the power within you to gravitate to what you do best, to what will actualize you, but for almost all people the problem is the lens through which they see themselves.

This makes complete sense to me. You know on some level what you're really good at - or maybe you don't yet know, but you have an inkling as to how you could free yourself up to find it - but you can't see a way to do it. There was one woman profiled in her article who really, really struck a chord with me. This woman she describes as having the "clever critic."

In other words, no matter what she wants to do, this hyper-critical, hyper-clever persona says, "You don't have the qualifications. You can't do that. You don't know this or that. Someone has already done it better."

I HAVE ONE OF THOSE!

She also talks in another piece about the Stev3n Cov3y principles of starting to move from quadrant III to quadrant II. What are these quadrants, you ask?

Well, quadrant one is stuff that is important and urgent. You have to do that stuff. That's stuff like what you need to do to keep your job. Quadrant II is stuff that is important but not urgent. This is probably the stuff that feeds your soul (e.g. for me reading, art, thinking about artistic things, blah blah), but that doesn't have a timeline and that doesn't pay your bills. The stuff that tends to take over in life is quadrant III: stuff that is urgent but not important. In other words, stupid stuff that interferes every day with what you really value. This stuff robs you of your real life, because you feel you have to do it, and sacrifice important things in order to do so. I'm sure that you can all fill in the blanks on this one. Quadrant IV is stuff that is both non-urgent and not important, so hopefully you rarely do it (e.g. reading junk mail).

So I think you get it.

I really love ideas that get me thinking about the obvious ways in which I am trashing my own life!

:)

So true.

There were so many other articles on there from which I got something. These included articles on treating anxiety and embracing fear. Another favourite was on writing "magic" letters.

You see, I'm all about magic. Provided that magic is supported by internal peace. It's the only thing that will work.

One thing that I thought of in the M. situation is that he and I differ in fundamental ways. He's reluctant, as he said when I was there, to fall for me, because he doesn't want to suffer.

I'm a bit more willing to leap, as I think my writings here recently have indicated. I'm OK with suffering if I get something special even for a time. I really think that I am honest in saying so.

I'm trying to get out of a place of worrying all the time about things that I can't control. I'm trying to reteach myself to be willing to take risks. Even huge risks. I'm OK with that.

When I sat and worked through these things this afternoon, it occurred to me and I faced the fact that M. might be a blip on the screen before I meet someone who offers the same wonderful traits but who is willing and able to make something with them, with me.

I'm willing to face all options, although that's not the one that I prefer.

So! Oh! I completely forgot. The outcome of the clever critic article about finding your inner superhero was this: get working. Get working. This makes sense. I know what I must do.

Soo...I'm not making much sense, I am sure. But I've found a few projects for myself. As I'd already decided: French, Italian, drawing.

And I've also decided that this is going to be the year of yes. I will accept opportunities, even scary ones, because it is important to try things.

The final thing that I learned is that rumination, or that stupid spiral thinking that I've been struggling with for a long time - for most of this year, really - has recently been found in research to be not far off from avoiding doing.

I suppose that I should have known this. But if you spell something like this out in black and white, it provides a good reference point for future use. When I'm stuck in a spiral in future: distract myself and just go and do something already.

So, a productive day. I actually mean all of this stuff, believe it or not.

Oh and I also read some poetry today, which always feeds my soul.

I think it is time to treat myself to another bowl of soup and a glass of wine!

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11:44 p.m. - 2008-10-12

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