enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sorting through the negative thoughts that are creating and reinforcing behaviour

Was up late last night - too late - thinking about M. and feeling lonely. As a result, I woke up very late this morning. So the day has only had a recent start.

I don't like that! I like to be able to enjoy the day. Oh well. It is still rather early, I suppose.

I'm feeling a bit of a delay as to what I should do exercise-wise. I sort of want to go cycling, but I can't get my ass in gear. I suppose I could go and run 10k. That would be quicker and would give me the same boost. Perhaps that's it.

Right now, I have that chicken soup broth started on the stove. I do love homemade chicken soup. It really does cure a panoply of ills.

I don't think that I have much else to talk about. (But of course I have lots more to talk about!) I'm going to enjoy my coffee, finish cleaning up the kitchen, complete my broth, and then take myself for a run. In the meantime I am heading over the table to my sketchpads.

I was listening to an interesting piece on true gratitude this morning (in honour of thanksgiving). The woman on the radio had an interesting point, in that the narrow prescription of a sort of self-interested, insular gratitude is not what gratitude is all about. It's about an aware gratitude, that involves not only appreciating what you have, but being aware of what things you can make better in the world for others. Seems simple but so often forgotten. At least by some.

I'm babbling. I think the risk is that we might take this and feel guilty for worrying about our own concerns. So often I've felt so guilty - and therefore worse about myself - for my self-absorption. But it remains true that you cannot be of much good to others if you don't sort out your own issues.

I'm getting there. Definitely I feel more sure that I will not accept less than I deserve in relationships now. That signals progress. In other areas, e.g. money, however, I still need work.

When I said yesterday that I was being underpaid, it really is true. People were telling me when I moved over to this department that I should not have accepted the technical demotion that I accepted at the time. I had worked for several years previously in other departments at two levels up the pay scale. But I knew that it would be a good department to get into, that there might never be another chance, and so I accepted the position. I've also never liked people who speak with a sense of entitlement - and everyone feels a sense of entitlement, it seems - so I argued against this. But they were correct, in my case. I got walked over. I was willing to accept something that diminished me. And even though the promotion was promised to me months ago, I have waited patiently without pressure. And I won't get retroactive pay.

There have been so many examples in my life of me being walked over, particularly when it comes to money. I hate thinking about money so much - I have a terrible relationship with it - because money always reminded me of the cruelty of my father's family. They were always all about holding money over people's heads, so I wanted nothing of it.

Money is difficult for a lot of people, so reforming one's relationship with money is important.

I have thrown away so much money. For example, when I was in university, I committed to sublet a guy's apartment for the summer, to share with his current roommate. I had met the current roommate, and the current roommate had "approved" of me. The guy from whom I was renting was actually an officer in the military, away on a leadership course. So he was being paid, and also had much more money than I did. He and I had dated briefly.

So anyhow. I moved into the apartment at the end of the school year, and within three days I had to move out. His roommate was a really big guy, and he scared me by starting to do crazy things like come into the shower when I was in it! I was starting to get scared, and I could no longer live there. It was clear that this guy thought that he was going to be able to have a sexual relationship with me. And when I say that this guy was big...I mean that this guy was big.

So I moved out. I asked the guy whose apartment it was (this is before email), and who was across the country, by phone if I could rent the apartment to someone else. He said that it was contingent on the approval of the other guy. I completely understood this, but this guy of course blocked my attempts. In the end I just paid for the apartment, took another job so that I could rent another place as well for the summer, and that was it.

I was really disappointed in the end that the first guy didn't return any of my money. I had moved into that sublet in good faith, and I had had no choice but to move. It was a long time ago so in the grand scheme of things it was not a lot oi money. But it was a HUGE amount of money to me at that time. The experience reminded me that many people care only about themselves and their pleasure (read the first guy, who had plenty of money). They are not interested in making life reasonable for others.

The very next year, too, I lived in a house with eight people. We all became friends, but when everyone moved out at the end of the school year, I (who had stupidly put the heating bills in my name), was stuck with a massive bill. I contacted the various people at their homes over time, but two or three of them never paid a cent. I was out another 1K or so on their behalf. It was terrible.

So this is why I hate talking and thinking about money. In my work I always say, "Oh well! At least I am getting a pay cheque. I have a good, secure job."

But that's not right at all. I'm not talking about being in a job that has no payscale and thinking that one deserves to be paid more. I'm talking about knowing that you're not getting the pay that your organization associates with the actual, specific work that you are doing. The guy sitting across the hall from me is making more than I am, even though I have nearly ten years more experience in government than he does, not to mention six additional years of unversity education related to my work (four years of a Ph.D., not to mention a second Master's degree).

So the point is that it's about undervaluing myself. And that's a problem.

Money is really tricky. It's not that I'm ungrateful for what I have. I live very simply. I cook most of my own food. I don't go out for dinner or things like that very often. I don't get manicures. I haven't bought any new furniture since I moved here, so I have second-hand furniture and garage sale chairs and so on. I have a bed that my mom donated from the cottage on that island that they sold a few years ago.

I choose to spend my money instead on some pretty clothes (well, no more!), and most importantly on travel to Italy. But then of course there I am staying in a youth hostel.

Having said all of the above, I feel that I am very rich. I can't believe how wonderful my life is in a material sense. I really don't want more. In fact, I want less. But I would like to be able to save more money. More importantly, I'd just like to be receiving market value for my work.

Anyhow. In time that will come. More important to me right now, I have decided, is getting the right job. Believe it or not I will likely take another PAY CUT if I get offered the FS job. BUt that job is different because there are so many non-monetary benefits and even opportunities for bonus pay through additional work, so I could do reasonably well there. There is also the advantage of having houses to rent in other countries that are owned by the crown (government). What happens is that we own properties abroad, but the officer pays what the standard rent would be for an apartment for one, say, in Ottawa. This would be good for me, because the properties are usually very nice. My rent wouldn't really change. In that instance, I would buy something here and rent it out, and then pay my rental for my apartment in Paris, say. Would be LOVELY!

Who knows how one's life will turn out. I really don't ask for much with respect to material comfort. In fact, I know that I could do with far, far less if I had someone to love and be with. I would be happy with a simple apartment and a wonderful family. Finding the wonderful family and making it work is something quite different. Very difficult. It hasn't happened.

So in the meantime, I think I need to put away as much money as possible whilst still enjoying my life. That way I can be prepared to take opportunities when they arise. Because the best thing in life is seizing opportunities!

I think the thing that I find most difficult about my current job is the fact that the approved vacation is only three weeks per year. I find it very difficult to deal with the idea that I am trapped(!!!), except for three weeks per year. I've always most enjoyed my freedom.

Anyhow. Not sure where this came from or where it is going, but I think I realize that this process for me is largely about figuring out how NOT to diminish myself. It's not about expecting too much, but about not expecting too little. My self-esteem has been sufficiently low that I have prevented myself from receiving what I have earned. I can see it in my relationships (anyone remember Larry? :)) and can now see how M. has helped me to start to change this. This gradual boost in self-esteem has made it more clear to me that I need to take the same attitude in my work. I chose to work in a field that is well-paid, and I am just as entitled to be paid at the correct salary level as is everyone else who works in the same field, at the same level, and most particularly in my own organization. That's all that I am saying. And that is perfectly reasonable.

1:15 p.m. - 2008-10-12

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