Photobucket

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tout va bien.

OK. So here it is.

I didn't write yesterday because I'm tired of myself. I'm sort of wondering if in order order to only evaluate my place in the universe once a week as MFV suggests, I need not to write in between.

Not sure.

This entry will sound more gloomy than it is, so don't fret. In fact, I am not really gloomy.

Yesterday started out well. I didn't have a fever when I woke up, French was great, and my coffee with my Foreign Affairs boss was even better. He actually got me thinking about some important points regarding the entry to the FS even if I get in, and information is always useful. Now I can only wait to see if I am selected for an interview. And then we'll go from there.

But then I had another one of those bad afternoons at work. My boss made me feel as though he doesn't like me, or is tired of me, or whatever. I'm sure it's a case of it NOT BEING ABOUT ME, but still I didn't end the week feeling good about my job. My promotion is still outstanding, and because of the erection I don't want to ask about it. It has been a busy week. I really am starting to feel the degree to which I have been screwed, however, as by now I should have been making 10-13k more in the minimum. In fact, I really should currently be at 22k more than I make. It's very annoying. MY FS boss said that where I work is notoriously slow to promote and with promotions, and that is some small consolation. The other consolation is that haveing Line Dance on my resume will only help in so many ways if I move to the FS, even. So I'm not regressing. I'm just annoyed.

But then, also, I don't know, my self-esteem sort of plummeted. I felt ugly and unstylish. I see all sorts of women who are feminine and stylish and I think that I am bland and conservative and not at all feminine. I have to admit that Joan sort of enforced this with me with, "You're not a girly girl at all, are you?" That has always been a sore point with me, and one that makes me feel like somehow I don't fit into the world of women.

It is true. I know little about makeup and jewellery and accessories, etc., etc. I know that I am an attractive person, but it is in a simple, conservative, unfeminine kind of way. It makes me feel inadequate. And this is bad. So (as one does?!?) I went to the mall and wandered around thinking about how ugly and unfeminine I am in relation to everyone else. I really don't want to fall into the trap of trying to bolster my self-esteem by buying stuff, however, so although I tried a couple of things on I bought nothing.

In other words, I sort of worked through the momentary crisis of sort of desperately wanting to "fix" myself and whatever is wrong with me. I know that the answer is not clothes and accessories. And to be perfectly honest, all the while I am thinking, "Gee, I'd really like to dress like that girl and be pretty and feminine," I'm thinking, "My values are really out of whack. I don't like this feeling. Deep down I don't believe that a person is what they wear or what their hair is like. I want to feel beautiful just the way that I am, because I actually do believe that I am a beautiful person. Also, I have too many things and I don't want to feed into the perpetual culture of having to buy more and have better clothes and look like everyone else. On a really deep level I don't want that at all. I want to feel good about myself and strong and optimistic the way that I do when I am in Italy."

So I can't really explain it, but I know that I'm working my way to the right answer. The right answer is a middle ground. It's that I can buy a few really nice things every year and enjoy them. Everything else is aesthetics and there is nothing wrong with aesthetics, but my values really don't allow me to spend endless amounts of money on myself to improve my appearance. I would regret that kind of a life. It's not me.

So what I wonder now is if I will be filled up when I start drawing. This weekend I have allotted for drawing. And a wee bit of exercise. I feel no desire to do anything more adventurous, and therefore am unlikely to feel any guilt. I am really trying to monitor where my money goes, and it is interesting to see how difficult it is to spend very little money. I started out by giving myself a budget of $210 for food, clothes and entertainment per month, and that is clearly too low. But if I could get close to that I would be thrilled.

I know that sounds very weird and self-flagellating, but I feel like I'm trying to find a path to pure love. You know, the kind that that singer wrote about in the entry that I posted yesterday. I think I've been bandaiding myself for a long time and I want the love to be separate and to stand on its own.

Sorry for that. But it's my diary. :) I know I'm a broken record.

The weather is very beautiful this weekend - cool, clear, colourful. It would be a perfect day for cycling in Gatin3au Park, but to be honest, I don't want to be around other people today. Apparently the park is so busy with everyone driving around to see the fall colours. The senior economist said to me this week, "You don't want to cycle there now." And I denied it, because I bloody hates it when he tells me what to do.

In truth, however, he's actually sort of correct. C. and I cycled there two Thanksgivings ago, and it is true that there is a lot of traffic over the fall colours period. The forests are really unbelievably beautiful at thi time. It would be better to leave work early and cycle one week day. Unfortunately the sun sets too early these days.

I mean, there are lots of other places to cycle. It's just that the wilderness park is best.

In actual fact though I think it is time for me to begin running again. I've only run the one time in Florence before my cold, and briefly last week. So my achilles should hold up from this point forward. I have been a very good athlete in terms of allowing myself to heal. ANd it's a nice time of year for running. I'm sort of excited to be going back to my old friend. Running is like that for me: an old buddy. I was so close to her for so long; she almost feels like my little secret. I enter a space of peace in myself when I do it without expectation or anger or self-hatred.

Soooooo...

I don't know what else to say. Unfortunately my hair is kind of grotty but I need to go out to buy coffee. I'm kind of indecisive about what to do. I'm completely out of coffee though, and I'm afraid - very regrettably -that I'm not quite ready to give up coffee. I should really try. I haven't tried much yet. It was impossible in Italy. Coffee is like crack there.

Well, I think that that is it for my ramblings. Mr. C. is in Chicago until Tuesday night. I hope he has a marvelous time.

I'm looking forward to being by myself, and to starting to fill myself up with drawing. I need to find myself.

|

11:40 a.m. - 2008-10-11

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08