enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And where should I ask them to send me? Where is it cool without being too cool? :)

Well, a good day. Still no run, and I just took a nap.

I must have one serious virus. The headache and low-grade fever finally disappeared late yesterday. (The headache and temperature had returned yesterday afternoon.) I feel OK today, only so, so tired still.

Oh well! Perhaps I'd best wait to exercise tomorrow or Monday. It's great at least that I do not have a fever. I hope that the fatigue gets better.

I really feel no pressure to do anything this weekend. Apart from napping today - oh yeah, I napped earlier, too - I snapped to and returned my digital box and canceled my cable! Go me! So I can add another $60 to my savings every month.

I really do dislike tv. I rarely watch it, except when I am feeling very lonely. But there are other things to do: read, draw, write. Good things. I think this will motivate me to spend my time and money more wisely. I'm quite proud of how I am sorting out this budget.

THe only thing that I can't do is REALLY economize on food. When I was at the supermarket the other night I thought about buying cheap groceries, but really I need to buy things that are relatively local and that are free range and everything. And I need to buy carbon offsets for my air travel. I just don't feel good about myself if I don't spend my money thoughtfully, since I can afford to do so, really. So, I bought some fair trade coffee today! More money out the door. I've decided that I will make all of my coffee at home, anyhow, so I will save money there.

OK. Enough about money. I don't want to talk about money, although I do find the process of tightening my belt and considering my expenses to be very useful. Why on earth would I order a pizza when I can make a delicious one at home for a fraction of the cost?

Incidentally, naturally, I started eating wheat again in Italy. So far no problems. I feel so much less stressed lately, if you can believe it, because I feel like I have a purpose, a direction, etc., etc. I think it was all stress-related. Thank goodness, really, because I love pasta and baguettes and pastries and so on! I really am supremely more empowered than I was before.

The only thing is that I still think of M. Like AnnaMaria said, I'm going to have to let this one sink in, and let the feelings gradually fade to something else. I thought of him when I went to sleep last night, when I woke up this morning, and when I woke up from my nap just now.

But oh well. Better to have feelings than to have none and be closed off and hopeless and shriveled. That would be horrible!

The weather is truly so beautiful right now. Like something right out of Far from H3aven. Very nice.

Now, what to make for dinner? I must admit that I have no clue. I didn't make it to the market today. Since I'm on my fiscal prudence kick, I imagine something with beans! :)

Well, actually, I have that chicken carcass left over from C's dinner, so I could make chicken soup! How delicious! Oh and crack open some wine! Yes, it really is a long weekend and I am going to enjoy it.

Next step...my art books sitting on my table.

OH! I forgot to add that I understood Mz. Bee's point re. appreciating what is, but this is a misunderstanding in this case. In this case, it's not so much a "should" as an, "I'm entitled and they are screwing me over." I'm working way above my salary, and the salary is scheduled within the department, so I'm being screwed because they are slow with paperwork and whatever else. Perhaps it is because they think I will take a lateral transfer to another department as soon as they give me my level. The greasy wheel senior economist got HIS promotion, of course. But of course he won't be leaving any time soon. Where else can you make a good salary and take off to do your errands half of the time? I'm just not good at complaining, and I always have more faith in people than they deserve. In that sense, I SHOULD be complaining.

I'm truly being paid way below my experience and qualifications. But I realize that I COULD take action and get a much higher paying job at another deparment. (I am way more qualified than is Dan, and yet he is being paid three levels above me. Ridiculous!) It's just that I would probably end up in some crazy shop with bad management and I wouldn't be happy (Dan is not ambitious, and doesn't care that he's not in a productive shop). I could easily get promoted to a senior position at my last department, for example, but to what end?

What I think right now is that everything IS working out for a reason. Maybe I was supposed to take my time and work through this job, and maybe if I get offered the FS I'll even decide to take that job. One option would be to ask them for a deferral if they make me an offer, so that I can get my French up to the exemption level and therefore take an offer straight in as a diplom@t. What one has to do otherwise is take a cut in pay and enter full time French training until the highest level of bilingualism is achieved. I mean, I would love the full-time French training, but I'd prefer not to slow my career. This is why French study is so imperative right now. Could you see me as a diplomat, though? I mean, I'm likely to not even pass the interviews, if I get one. I'm kind of a loose cannon. :) Just kidding. For some reason I feel that this might work out. Not sure why.

OK. THat said, I realize that I need to sit down and do some French study this weekend, and also to make a plan to lift my French level more rapidly. Maybe a tutor, even if it is only my landlord and his wandering hands. ;-)

AH sigh. It WILL work out. I feel OK about it. I do. There are lots of interesting "flows" I feel both in and around me right now. Pretty soon there will be a current!!

Dinner time.

OH and finally, I do wish that Canadians weren't so stupid. Many of them actually BELIEVE that a certain someone has properly managed the economy. I would laugh until I cried, but then I'd be crying. And what would be the point of that? The only thing that I am thankful for is that we are about 800,000 times better managed than is the U.S. by its leadership at the moment. Now that is truly tragic. Unfortunately Canadians will undoubtedly vote muffin head back in, and we all will be the worse for it. To understand what is really going on, and why CAnadians only pay lip service to climate change, you need to understand the history and political economy of the situation. I don't really treat this diary as a political blog, for obvious reasons, but let it suffice to say that everything makes sense in the end. Oh, and Canada is a LOT colder than India on average, for example, and too sparsely populated for many economic activities to be localized. If I lived in most parts of India on a subsistence income with twelve other people in my two-room place...I don't think I'd heat my house or my car either. It makes no sense to even make a comparison between the two countries. I don't even know how average population levels would compare over the last 150 years, and the age distribution is completely different. You don't generate a big carbon footprint if your life expectancy is three years. Anyhow. Just some thoughts. ;-)

One of the things that I have realized over time is that the people one country are not more virtuous than are the people of another country. People who conserve, e.g. those in Europe, do so because they live on top of each other and experience shortages and high prices. M. has a methane-fuelled car, and perhaps I'm being unfair but I don't think that he is particularly virtuous! Canadians will only learn if their pocket books are hit. I mean, you might get them to listen if you took away their beer and canceled the NHL season. BUt otherwise, no. They are very stoopid, mostly.

It's funny. I've realized recently that not having children is likely affecting my behaviour. I am not carbon neutral, although I could get close, especially if I were to buy more offsets. I walk everywhere. I don't own a car. I use very little lighting and water. I turn everything off when not in use. I eat almost no meat. And I actually think about whether what I buy is locally produced and whether it is likely to have been produced in a way that is less costly to the environment than is the imported good. Hell, I even had a debate with myself over whether it was better to buy the canned beans that had been cooked in a giant quantity, vs. buying the dried ones and boiling them myself. But having said all of this I don't feel the sense of despair that perhaps I should, because I know that I end with me. I am not planning for anyone else's future. I am not sure if this is what is going on within me, but I have a sense that I would be a LOT more of an activist if I had a child. I would be out in the streets. As it is, I am just hoping that enough Canadians come to their senses and vote in the RIGHT PEOPLE. A faint hope, but still.

I think the thing that amazes me most about politicians, academics, bureacrats...is their complete inability to communicate with people in ways to make them understand the urgency of the message. You need to know where people are coming from. And you definitely also need to be prepared to use blunt instruments at times. Really blunt instruments. I'm obviously being completely flippant in the last few paragraphs, but the substance of it I mean. Politicians are not in general good communicators in this country, and academics and bureaucrats are in general even worse. And don't even get me started about think-tanks and advocacy groups. This is a big part of the problem. I remember thinking this when I tried to join the National Anti-Poverty Organization. I believed in the ultimate goals that they set, but their message was so idiotic as to be embarrassing. I just couldn't throw my bra into that ring. I know that that is a cop out on my part, but I don't mean that this is a forever thing. Fortunately there are increasingly better leaders dispersed throughout the economy, in part because women are getting better educations to direct their compassion. I've met and observed a few truly, admirable female leaders of NGOs who could make a big difference. (Because we know that true change is going to have to come as a result of greater engagement of women. :) Dudes are just not capable of thinking so far, or planning so well.) Sad that there are so few, and that politics is set up to be so miserable for them.

5:50 p.m. - 2008-10-11

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