enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

C dinner

So I've been leisurely, pleasurably making dinner for C. It's sort of a birthday dinner, since he was too busy last Wednesday before his trip to have one with me.

Apple crisp. Check. Chicken. Check. Spinach. Check. Pasta. Check. Well, some of those things go together. Or they will after I get my arse off the computer seat.

I STILL have a low grade fever. I must admit that I felt shitty today and should have stayed home. I would have been more productive at home! But oh well. I went. And tomorrow I meet my former boss for coffee, in the midst of French class.

Oh well!

Today I had a moment of extreme sadness over M. Well, it was actually fear. I recognized that I might never meet someone with whom I have a chance to be in lover and happy. It might never happen for me! What a horrible thought. I realized on some level that I have thought to this point that I am young enough that it will still happen to me. But I had this scary thought of never having those feelings with anyone again and ending up 70 and thinking about M. and being one of those old spinster ladies who had someone before the war and then was left alone to doilies and tea parties for the rest of her life. And sadness.

OH NO!

I had an incident in the supermarket today with a dude behind me in line. I sort of accidentally flirted with him, as I did one of my unthinking crazy S moves of realizing that I had spread my beautiful groceries all over the belt, and then in noticing that some dude had come up behind me, sprawling my entire body in an an attempt to push all of my groceries forward to the front to leave room. In the process I was muttering something about as usual taking up too much space, and of course I was flashing my goofy smile.

So I noticed then that the guy was a guy who had been near me in one of the aisles before - conservative, nice suit - and immediately he made some remark to the effect of, "Good choice in eggs" (organic, free range, omega 3...read: expensive and probably ineffectual in fulfilling whatever my objective is in buying them).

And I didn't even look at him when I responded.

The thing is, I know that I have the power to change my circumstances. But now every possible person pales in comparison with M. Terrible, that. I suppose it will take time.

So I think that that is it for tonight. I must catch my wilting spinach before it does something crazy. I want to post something by a singer whom I really admire (Sarah Sl3an). I feel crappy stealing her words but they are so beautiful that I Could not say them as well. They echo Ms. Fifi from earlier this week:

There is no sorrow, no anguish, that love cannot heal. And I don't mean just meeting a fabulous man or having a pet or being best pals with someone. I mean discovering for yourself love in its most profound sense - a feeling that inspires awe and an ocean of gratitude, and above all, a trust... What Tolst0y called "a relationship with the infinite". You can find this. Because, here is the beautiful secret: it is within you and it is endless. The more you think about the silent wonders that abound - your lungs for instance, your eyeball and the incredible intricacy of its work, the trees growing right now (think of all the trillions of trees on earth growing so gracefully and silently right now!), the forces that keep the walls around you steady and the sun rising at dawn, and on and on, the more you begin to realize that you are part of the divinity that is this world, the divinity that is the infinite origin of everything. How could you not be? And that nothing is asked of you or demanded of you other than for you to just BE. (How often I've tried to get in the way of this! To muscle a different path for myself! A bird is a bird, a fish is a fish, just be, just be who you are!! Kids are masters at this, and what other being emits as much pure joy? You are enough, you are a miraculous creature, and that is all. Part of eternity. You are love. The most amazing thing you could ever do is simply let that be - let the love express itself. The rest, petty details. And you'll notice that when this realization really starts to live in your heart, you are less afraid. And fear I think is at the heart of all hatred, all harm, all suffering.

Fear was at the heart of the hatred I expressed toward myself for many years. And that hatred manifested in all sorts of destructive behaviours.

For a long time I felt that I was useless. This is the cruelest thing anyone can utter to oneself, and over time it starts to do serious damage. I was so pained by the suffering I could see around me, by the anger and pollution and greed in the world. And I would look in the mirror and say "What are you doing writing songs and tinkling on a piano for your living? You've got to be kidding! Is this what you are doing with your comp@ssion and intelligence? Your time on earth? Selfish useless loser!" And so on. I remember a moment in my apartment in Paris - I looked up from the bathroom sink and suddenly "witnessed" how I was speaking to myself in my thoughts. I looked into my own eyes that were so full of disgust and sadness, red-rimmed from tears and booze and insomnia, and I realized I was looking at my sadistic captor. I was looking at the tyrant.

When you are full of cruelty it is as if you have a cruelty-seeking pair of glasses on. The world looks unjust, sick, and callous because that is the filter you've chosen. When you are fighting yourself so vehemently, you bring people and situations and thoughts into your life that will feed that combat. Eating becomes conflict. Exercising is punishment. Your career, your relationships, your speech, all become war.

When you disarm, everything changes.

Permit me this little instructive exercise for disarmament. Go to a nearby park. Sit down in a spot free from noise or distraction and have a good look at a tree. A good long look. Imagine it smiling at you. Seriously!... You'll know what I mean. Try it.

Disarming means knowing love and trusting it as truth. Love then gets behind every one of your senses. You see food as the sun and the rain's conspiracy to strengthen and sustain you. You see difficult people and situations as opportunities to deepen your compassion. You hear the plea for love that is hiding behind all complaints, attacks and criticisms. You feel the life in your body, in another's body, and you're amazed.

I hope this helps. I truly believe that we're here to elevate our understanding of love and to awaken to its transformative potential... I think there is no other more noble pursuit.

8:47 p.m. - 2008-10-09

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell