enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I hope I get another day like that.

Oh LORDY.

I'm quite happy.

I've felt like complete MERDE all weekend. Terrible. Fever. Headache. No energy.

I packed up my purse - really, expensive new "bag," that is my only investment piece now that I have cut my expenses to NAUGHT to save for Italy (really) - to go to the supermarket to buy food, and then I decided to drop by Roland's (Frenchy landlord's) to say hello. We had a nice little dinner and aperatifs and an excellent conversatione. And here I am six hours later.

I've decided not to think too much about things. Right now, I need to engage with things European. And I need to perfect my French and start studying Italian. It's OK. I can disengage from the stuff that doesn't interest me. Life is wending me in a particular direction at the moment.

In other news, however, I'm completely obsessed with M. I'm in love, I'm afraid. I mean, I'm infatuated. I keep on thinking of him. I can't disengage in the way that I could do the last time. He just made me feel so beautiful and so special. The time absolutely flew when we were together. It was wonderful.

I'm lucky to have had it. More is not required. I know. But it is difficult. I wish I had a week alone with him just to TALK.

But anyhow. Not to be. And if to be next year, more for the good.

I'm very tired, if you cannot tell. But I'm at peace.

Oh! I had a very productive day, in spite of not leaving my HOUSE at all this weekend, if you can believe it! What i did today was reopen my public service jobs account. I had to resubmit for a new password. But that happened, and then I had already prepared a new curriculum vitae for that job at the other department so that I could paste that into the format. I changed my language prefs, my "other requirements/skills," and in about an hour I had my application for the new foreign service competition completely finished. They have eliminated the excess requirements that they used to have (essays explaining particular experience), so the application is done.

It will be interesting to see if I am screened in this time. I was screened in last time, obviously. I hope that I at least get to the interview this time. I should have gone to the interview last time. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. Since they've eliminated the recruitment essays I hope that I have a chance. THey must be going on the recruitment test scores. Luckily, I have a very high IQ test (FLUKE). Really, I have an amazing IQ test score. They give a recruitment test for the public service that most people do horribly on, but because it is all math and shape problems, economists do really well. I got only one wrong, just as I did when I took the LSAT. I've always wanted to do it over and get perfect, which shows my personal pathology, but then any score you get replaces the old one, so I would HATE to GO DOWN. Could you imagine.

Really, I am stupid, otherwise. On the "situational judgment" test that they also have you write, in which you describe what you would do in particular situations with your colleagues, I have a much lower score. In every case I thought, "WELL THAT DEPENDS! And why would I have such STOOPID colleagues in the first place?"

I mean, they describe QUITE ridiculous situations. For every question I wanted to write in something completely different. But I realize that I am not a very suitable person for the public service. I am not good when constrained. They would be wise to be skeptical of me.

Not sure about the foreign service. There is certain room for creativity there. But it can also be highly scripted and administrative, no matter the position. Not sure if I have the temperament for that. Amazingly though, as I've settled in recent years, I think I'm more disposed to emotional self-control. I think I could actually do the job. We will see what will happen.

Maybe these Line Dance people have trained me into fortuitous submission.

I don't know. If I listen to the primal part of me I want to study art and restoration. I would live my whole life in art if I could. Eating fagioli.

Life isn't so kind.

I could imagine M. and I together in the country. I remember his hand persistently taking mine at a castle in Chianti, when the Mexican clients were ahead of us, and me persistently dropping his hand because I didn't want him to be unprofessional. As he wrote to me yesterday, we were so happy that day. We were so happy. I hope that I get to have another day like that in my life. I've never felt that kind of acceptance and understanding with another person before.

12:10 a.m. - 2008-10-06

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