enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I don't even really know if I could live in Italy. I think that my plan of an apartment in Florence is the best one. And then I'd have to work out a way to take longer holidays. Hmmm...

Wow I just depressed the crap out of myself again by spending a couple of hours on an Exp@t Italy forum, reading the posts. Makes it seem impossible to move and live there, unless an EU citizen. Oh and work.

I'm an idiot, though. Things don't happen in that way.

Patience. Patience. Peace and belief. I don't know where I am going or where I will end up. Action needs to be taken, yes. But you can't shoot in the dark. There has to be a logical plan.

I've been feeling terrible today. I didn't leave the house. But not because I'm depressed - I'm not - but rather because I am ill. I woke up with a headache and the feeling of a sinus infection, and later in the day I really started to feel feverish and tired. Perhaps the cold/bronchitis that I acquired in Italy is having another run. I have been so tired for the last week.

Oh well. I shall mend eventually. Hopefully I will be feeling better tomorrow and so able to get out and do things. I've been ruminating too much today. And rumination is bad. bad. bad.

Do you know what I worry about? I worry that I'll shut myself down further now and never date anyone again here. You can't live in a place and yet not actually be there. I feel a bit like I'm already in that kind of head space. I need to stop that. As much as I hate to say it, M. is probably correct that I need to find a nice man here who can love me. I need to be open to that. And maybe to having a life and a family. Giving up my career and my security for a fancy would be stupid. But I have to admit that this is not what I want right now. I don't want to be here. I can't imagine myself in Ottawa with a husband and a family.

I know that it's pretty hopeless to think of being with M. again. But it doesn't feel great to allow myself to believe that. Well, I don't feel great. I am definitely ill. I had wanted to run today and cycle tomorrow, but there's just no way. :( Boo hoo.

Boo hoo, indeed.

I did sit down at the table today and study some Italian though. Challenging. I'm not good as a beginner. I get frustrated by what I don't know. That's a bad habit. Better to be excited about what one can learn!

I also listened to some opera, and...well, that's about it. I really am ill. I don't know what has been happening to me lately. Perhaps too much thinking. Too much stress. I wish I could just settle into a place in which I wanted to be for a while. My predominant feeling right now is that I want to get out of what I'm doing, not that I have something to which to run. Not good.

I think it's usually best to have one's body burn these things off, so I won't take tylenol.

Sad. Sad. Definitely sad. Sad and lonely. Life is suffering. My life hasn't turned out to be very much at all. Sad. A bit empty, really. I don't want to be alone anymore.

OK. On that sunny note, I think I'll make some squash soup. Tomorrow if I feel up to it I think I will go to the art gallery given that cycling is off. I have Italian on Monday night and then the film institute is showing some interesting films in the next few weeks. I'll make sure that I get out as often as possible. I'll try to make lemonade out of lemons, if you will.

Oh...headache. Headache. Will lie down.

9:05 p.m. - 2008-10-04

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