enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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More musing. No excuses and no apologies.

I can't bear to remove the Florence time clock! Ack! It is difficult to remove oneself from a time and place.

It feels good to have a plan.

This weekend will be a reading weekend. Unfortunately the library has a stupid policy whereby I had to return my books to have them reshelved, before I could take them out again. I take the point about giving other people an opportunity, but at the same time 1) the book I wanted was from 1971 and hadn't been taken out for a while; and 2) there is a recall function/request function right in the catalogue.

That's the thing about people here: everything has a rule. When I got on the bus from the airport to come home, there was a giant sign in one of the advertising bars suggesting that people not wear fragrance. On the public bus!

(Really, one almost NEEDS fragrance on the public bus to deflect the smell of the bus. They're usually a bit dirty.)

Rules are good though. I do know this. I know that rules come out of a genuine desire to have a fairer, kinder society. I have to applaud this, even though it feels constricting.

As TS Eliot said, and I have quoted often, when one travels one returns to know the place for the first time. It is all a process of learning, and hopefully of improving.

It has been such a tiring year. I have been so worn out. I've had the ongoing stomach problems, which I now realize are all stress-related. I've had the panic about my job. I've not been making the money that I deserve, given the administrative issues in my deparment. I've had to deal with the horrible senior economist, who constantly deflates me. I met a nice man, only I can't spend time with him and need to be here where men tell me that I am too old and not pretty enough to be desirable. I think that that's why I sank so much into the M. thing and the free-spirited companionship of Joan: I've felt so unloved for so long. I've been hungry for some positive attention and affection. It's amazing how we shrivel up without affection; and how we bloom with a bit of it. I literally feel healthier now in every way.

And my mother has also been here and there, in and out. My mother is self-centred. I must have learned that from her. It is true: after a point you start to be out for yourself. I don't like that. I want to be grounded and centred, loved and loving. I don't need much stuff. I'm filling my life a bit with "stuff" at the moment, because it is empty of other things. I need to turn this around.

Do you know what? Yesterday I ruined the food in my fridge. Fortunately there was nothing perishable in there apart from eggs and soy milk, given that I haven't done a proper shop yet. The veggies should be fine. Somehow I had opened the door in the morning I think to take my lunch out, and then when I returned and went to open it late in the evening it was ajar and completely warm. How horrible! Fortunately the freezer is fine. I'll chalk it up to the illness and the jet lag; I've been so tired this week. Today I feel not great, still: tired and stuffy and headachey. But the weather is great. For what more can one ask?

11:36 a.m. - 2008-10-04

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