enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Achey breaky shaky steady.

Oh lordy.

Do forgive my appearance, as I was ill! I also desperately need to do something with my hair - grow it or cut it. :) If the video works, don't take the married man thing the wrong way! What had happened is that the English people in our class had invited joan for dinner on Monday, telling her that they'd matched her with a guy in our class called Roger. Roger is married, though is wife wouldn't come to Italy. Roger made sure that he told everyone that he was married, although J and I noticed that he spent all of his time chatting up the uni girls. Sigh. PS I completely lost my voice last week and it is still not back, so I'm not usually that squeaky. :)

I know I've been delinquent.

Well, it's not that.

I haven't known what to write.

And what I mean by this is that what I write might come out as maudlin or self-pitying or stupid, when really it is mostly good. It's a problem that I have with this diary, in a way: I write things and they represent important feelings, but they also pass often with the writing.

So I'm definitely going through a dramatic period of thinking and ACTION. I am glad about the action part. I simply refuse to sit still and not move forward.

What I've done so far is commit in my head to going back to Florence in April next year. There is that studio art class at the British Inst!tute that I want to take, and I talked to the girl and I'm provisionally registered. I've already checked the flights, and I'm going to rent an apartment. Again, and you'll not believe me, it's really more about ME and art and the feeling that I have when I am there than about M. Although of course if he still wants to rent the apartment with my in April...he will be welcomed with open arms. :)

I can't really explain it. I feel peaceful about M. I mean, I feel sad that I can't be with him and that I have never had an experience HERE like that. But at the same time I really, truly believe that it is all for the best. Even if I NEVER get to spend time with him again, which is unlikely, at least as friends, what he gave me really boosted my sense of what I deserve in life. There is no going back again.

So I've committed to the plan of Florence again in April, because as soon as I did and put the wheels in motion I could relax and feel OK about my job. Because my job takes a back seat. I am going to take my art class here. I am going to take my Italian class here. And step by step I will get closer to forming an understanding of what is going to come of these things, if anything.

As for jobs, I am going to apply for the foreign service this weekend. I'm also going to watch for OECD postings, and keep myself alert to other opportunities. I'm also going to start looking at postings and opportunities in London. You just never know. And it all starts with looking and trying. I can't plan anything out with certainty, and there is no guarantee of speed. Still, I have a feeling that I will not be in Ottawa forever. It's just not the place for my soul.

I keep on reading messages about how you have to clarify what you want and then trust that you will get it. I'm working out the clarification of what I truly, truly want. I will get there.

I did have moments of feeling like true poo today, most particularly when the senior economist was gloating about both the fact that his promotion came through (and mine has NOT yet, although of course he is a squeaky wheel), and that his wife is pregnant.

I walked home from the grocery store thinking about how difficult everything seems to be for me, and how I get only a few days with M. and oh boo hoo how lonely am I.

But I know that that was just a moment. I do feel that what I've had is a gift, even if it has been brief.

I actually got home and had a nice email from him. He's been telling me about his daughter recently, and what he is doing with her. It's a different level of intimacy, I think, and I invite it. He is special. He also wrote that he had thought today about how happy we were that day at the castle with the Mexican couple. I had been thinking the same thing today! And of course he wrote that it all seems so far away now. I tend to think that six months is not such a long time, though. I look forward to seeing him again and when I think like that I am peaceful in the present.

So the interesting thing is that again I had no stomach problems in Italy, and yet I have major achey stomach issues now. I haven't been feeling very stressed, per se, but isn't it amazing how quickly this place can throw me off? I wonder exactly what it is that does it to me.

I think that that is it. I still feel so, so crappy that I didn't send the things from Italy that I had promised. I feel so, so badly. Usually I am not so self-absorbed. Actually, I am, in spite of my writings here, usually not at all focused on myself. I just got lost when I was in Italy. I sank into a state. I meandered. On the whole I think it was very, very good for me. I feel grateful that I feel the ground finally moving again. I had felt so stuck. So stuck.

So I have enjoyed so much reading your entries that I missed over the last week! I can't believe that I am so lucky to have connected with such smart and beautiful people.

I saw C. off to Newfoundland tonight. Lucky duck has a week-long trip for work/his program. He's quite spoiled. And then he is off to Chicago to visit his brother. I am sad that he will be away for so long. He is so sweet. When I got back from Firenze he had a jar of butternut squash soup waiting for me. Pic from the spring. :)

8:31 p.m. - 2008-10-02

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell