enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Heartsick is all it feels like.

I'm completely jetlagged and nuts...as usual...

so please do take this with a grain of salt.

My GOD did I have a wonderful time with Marco last night. It was perfect. I would be in a fair way to fall in love with this guy, if I didn't recognize that we just haven't had enough time to get to know each other properly.

I'm at the stage of heartbreak though, in knowing that I finally meet someone with whom I can be completely and utterly myself (and who says the same in return), and yet he's unsolvably separate from my life.

Yes, well, life is very, very cruel. Actually, at the end of the evening when we were in his car, ahem, um, talking, he actually said that I should go and find a guy who lives in Canada and who can make me happy and with whom I can have a family. He repeated again that I would be a wonderful mother.

This of course completely disregards the fact that I no longer want to be a mother. And it also neglects the fact that Canadian men are oafish and horrible.

I give up. I'm just sorrowful. He said that he wants me to be happy, and that's why he said it. All through the rest of the evening, however, he was talking about things we could do together, such as take a trip together (to Beijing!?).

I'm just not going to think about it!

How's that for a change in attitide?

I am going to start thinking about getting out of my career though. I think I'm about to leap and do something crazy in the next couple of years. It kept ringing in my ears this morning at the airport as I briefly considered jumping ship and staying on for a few more days, that it's JUST A JOB. Why would I cling so tightly to a job that I in fact hate.

I know - it represents security, and security is difficult to come by. But security can never really replace making a life, can it? I would regret choosing security over trying ot really live, I know. Of course I also know the grinding sting of not having enough money. Believe me, I do. I don't want to go back there.

I wish I could tell you all of the details of my wonderful dinner with M. last night. It was almost magical. But I won't spread them out right now. I'm TOOO tired. I had a WONDERFUL day preceding it as well. I looked at the photos on the plane today and although I looked DREADFUL for most of the trip on account of being sick (and I'm STILL a bit sick!), I had such a wonderful time. This was true throughout my course, and also true this week. I only wish, of course, that M. and I could have had more restful time together. At the same time, however, I NEVER once was doing something with Joan and thinking, "Gee, I want to be somewhere else." She was an absolute scream, and I'm also in a different place in my life - I can enjoy being with a great guy and yet not be thinking about it all of the time. I was really in the moment in Florence and that is SUCH an achievement.

So the thing is that on the plane I started writing down all of the things that I want to change about my life here now. Change is good. Sweeping out the cobwebs is a good activity. A lot of the things are small - get rid of more stuff, change the way I do things or organize things. Other things were BIG things, like apply for the foreign service, or apply for other more highly paid jobs. Another big thing was to take a significant leave next spring to go back to Italy to in fact rent an apartment and do the art thing more seriously. Oh and did I mention that M. suggested that we rent an apartment together?

Hmm..

I know though on the other hand that the problem has to be situated here. Can I leave my security and still relatively new career for anything risky at this point?

Not sure.

Oh, incidentally, I met a crazy-intereting woman on the plane today. She is an actress, a professional organizer, a public speaker and a published author of organizational books in French. She was very cool. We had a great conversation about seizing hold of your passions and going off to pursue them. She suggested that I write a funny book. Apparently she found me funny. It's kind of a peculiar thing, but certain people do find me to be extremely funny. Others I think don't have a clue how to take me.

Oh god I'm about to fall face first into my soup. I didn't sleep a wink on Sunday night in Florence, so I've been up for some crazy number of continuous hours. I'm starting to become hazy. I just came on the Internet to write a quick note to M., since he had called me at the airport this morning to see me off and also to ask me to write that I got in safely. This is really not good for either of us, is this? We are both too involved now.

Sigh. Life sucks. I loathe the men here with a passion. Why can't a good one drop in HERE on me?

I'm really rambling. I have to say though that the really bad thing about being here is that on the plane it seems reasonable to create a new life and move off somewhere, but now that I am here in my little apartment and thinking about my work and everything...I am very aware that this is real and not so easy to escape.

Circular thinking. Washing spinning round and round. Head dipping. :)

Oh! I made a few little videos of Joan and I being stupid with my camera. You can see her and hear my voice. I will have to figure out how to post them. :)

Hope you are all well.

9:04 p.m. - 2008-09-29

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