enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Wish and love are not the same thing. To me you're just a tourist.

OK. So the lyrics make this song sort of funny for me at the moment.

Get home.

I wish I had as much of a sense of humour as that implies...

:)

I'm kidding. I'm OK. I think I'm just tired.

And at least I do know that my job IS the problem, because I went from being the girl who couldn't stop smiling when with M. and with Joan in Florence, to the girl who trudged home in the rain with her head hanging low and feeling defeated.

I don't know how many times I have to run this experiment before I'll get it through my thick head that I need to change. :)

Oh and I missed an email about the job at the other department when I was away. I contacted the woman today and apparently I need to write a test either tomorrow or Thursday, that takes all morning.

Uh. Yeah, I'll be able to get out of work for that on such short notice.

Not.

Anyhow. THere are lots of other jobs in the world. It is about time that I started looking. The Foreign Service recruitment I discovered today is accepting applications until October 10, so I'll apply for that. I also looked and there was an OECD job but the cutoff was at 6 p.m. today, so no time to apply. I'll start thinking though.

Honestly, I think I do deal well with not having everything that I want, but walking home today I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for myself that I get crumbs of things like a brief glimpse of someone I like and can't be with. I'm tired of living with crumbs. But the men here really are horrible. I'm sure that they are horrible everywhere else as well, on average, but they don't seem to be. Or at least none of those here seem to understand me.

Man, I'm so discouraged already!

OK. Focus on other things!

I am staying in tonight and not exercising as it is raining and I still have a cough. The right side of my throat still hurts as well. Weird!

Tomorrow I am taking my stuff over to the cable company and I am canceling everything. I might even cancel my Internet. That would be crazy, non?

I just want to save so much money. The alternative would be to get a second job. That sounds crazy, but I feel so determined to find a way to free myself.

Patience! Patience!

I probably should stop writing. It seems to draw me even more into myself and more into my sorrow and loneliness. Perhaps I should stay on the surface tonight, skim above water.

Sleep and dream well!

Oh! Here is the best short interview with Sarah Sl3an on EXACTLY what is driving me nuts in life: The universe already knows.

7:22 p.m. - 2008-09-30

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