enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Time for coffee and a jolt of positive attitude.

UGh.

You guys are so sweet.

I feel so horrible though. I am sure that it will pass, but all I want to do is to go back to Europe to meet him somewhere for a weekend. How crazy is that?

As I said, I know that this will pass. But right now I am in the horrible despair that comes from being back in this place in which I fold back in on myself.

You know the funniest, oddest thing about being with M. in Italy is that he kept on commenting that I am so happy all the time. It is true - I couldn't stop smiling when I was with him. When we parted, even though I felt sad, I couldn't cry. I just feel so happy and in love with life when I am with him. I also feel so happy when I am in Italy. Like I can be myself.

On the plane, too, talking with that woman, I was so happy. So myself. It's clear that what I need to do is figure out how to create an environment (physical and emotional) in which I can be myself. And then I can be happy. In the last year or so, the emotional environment in which I have been happy is HERE! That is not a bad thing, but I just can't go on living with a physical and emotional environment in my physical, daily life that is so numbing for me.

The first step will be to start cleaning out my apartment even more. And I will buy that sofa. I will get out and try to start making new friends. And I will also move towards changing jobs. I know that it will be difficult and slow given that I don't know exactly what I want yet, but I can do it.

It is going to be a big challenge given that this place brings me down so much, as does my work, but I need to consider that a test and to keep on fighting for something better. I hope that I can figure out what my heart really wants. Right now it wants more time with M.

Do you think it woudl be crazy if I flew to meet him somewhere for a four day weekend? I KNOW in my heart that we can't be together in the longer term. And so does he. It would be painful to meet and part, but then it seems a shame not to enjoy something special when one can. I don't know. I need to think about this. He did suggest that I could meet him in California.

It's interesting, actually, as the woman on the plane was in a similar position. She is now a little bit over forty, so a little bit older. It seems as if her recent life has been similar to mine, sort of, as she has had relationships with a variety of men in different countries, including one in England that ended recently. She was coming back from Spain and she told me that on her trip she had decided that from now on she was going to seek someone at home (in spite of the fact that, like me, she has been so disappointed by the ghastly men here). She is changing her mental space to Montreal, nevertheless.

I understand this completely. I don't think that I went to Italy to meet M, but I know that the mental space is open there in a way that it simply cannot be in Ottawa. My environment here is so bereft of beauty and companionship.

So I've got to think about this. Do I take this for what it is and move on, or do I allow myself to take a little bit more of what is beautiful with M. and then move on? Either way I need to move on. I know that I cannot commit to moving to Italy, even for a year, say, yet. And he will not move here.

As I mentioned yesterday, M. seems to think that I should find a man and have children. It's my time. He said, "You're so young and so beautiful. I want you to be with me but I also want you to be happy. You should find a man who lives in Canada and have a family."

It's not an easy problem to solve, as we know.

You know, I wanted so badly to take a video of him on Sunday night, so that I could hear his voice and see his sweet smile. I didn't want to embarrass him though as he was self-conscious about not having been able to shower and change after a long day. I didn't care. It was just wonderful to be having dinner with him.

OK. I will stop talking about that. I sound like a stupid, lovesick school girl. I also know that Ana is right that it is all about experiencing something to know that it is possible. I think I got lucky enough to experience something really great with a loving, nurturing human being. He treated me only with kindness, generosity and respect. I haven't had that before, particularly with a man who so clearly understood so many things about me and who liked me just for myself. There was not one second of artifice or posturing with M. It was all me - whether sweaty and biking or sick and coughing or laughing and poking fun at him. That doesn't come along all that often. In fact, the only other person with whom I have that kind of peace is my friend C.
Of course it's not the same.

So I don't have a video of him, or even a snapshot of him from that night. I wish I did. I need to close my eyes and imprint on my memory the way he looked in the low light of the restaurant, and the way that we laughed. He has such a kind expression on his face and he is really quite handsome. Boyish, really. And so tender and sweet.

Oh. I have to go to work. If you can believe it I have been up since 4 a.m.! Terrible. I fell asleep in my chair at 10, moved to the bed, and then got up at 4:41 actually. I have been looking at photos.

I actually need to get a new camera, as the photo quality is in general terrible. But at least I have a general record of what I did, including a few pics of M. And of course I have the videos of my WONDERFUL friend Joan.

I learned an AWFUL lot on this trip. Among the things are that I can be loved and lovable. I also learned that it is OK to want to be feminine and to want to spruce myself up. I'm going to pretty myself up a little bit and not feel ashamed about it. I mean, just with small things - some classic accessories, maybe a nice manicure. It's OK to be girly. And I did buy some perfume in Florence!

Joan also gave me so much wisdom on what it is like to be a single woman over a certain age. She had so much experience and wisdom and joy to share. We had a wonderful time. I wish that my mother could be similar or have done similarly for me, but I know that she is just not capable. And that's OK. Different people have different limitations.

Of course I also met the Mexican people and a wonderful Japanese girl, and also that woman on the plane who was so full of passion.

And I had that great art course that had me so open and delighted and sure that what I need to do most in life is MORE ART.

OK. I shoudl take my NAUGHTY, now crying (NOW I can cry, after all of that) self to the shower to get myself ready to go to work. I will get through this day, knowing that the whole point is that I don't have to stay in this job forever if I can't find a way for it to accomodate sufficiently who I am and what I need. I won't find the answer, as always, right away. But I will find the answer if I BELIEVE. Right, BoXx???

Again, I really hope that you can forgive me for not mailing your post cards in time. I feel so badly and didn't mean to hurt or disappoint anyone. I was so self-absorbed when away.

Oh do you want to hear something HILARIOUS? I logged into my banking account and found that I was exactly right to the dollar almost over how much money I'd spent and how much is on my credit card. I hardly put anything on my credit card and just withdrew Euro a few times. Really, I can't believe that I just came back from a trip on which I am not gobsmacked by what I spent. :)

7:30 a.m. - 2008-09-30

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