enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Thinking and not thinking

It's so funny when I read this diary after a few hours left alone, e.g. yesterday's entry, and I can see how much I THINK about things! So silly.

How I've overcomplicated the whole M. thing.

But I guess you have to go through different life stages before you get to a better situation.

I came out of my studies with such diminished confidence, feeling so ugly and terrible about myself. My job hasn't helped my self-esteem one bit, either. But now that I'm taking things slowly, trying to be conscious about what I'm thinking and WHY I'm thinking it so that I can stop it, it is very slowly becoming much easier. It will still take quite a bit of time before I will be able to completely put the brakes on thinking, but I will get there. I am strong and determined.

Plus I feel so good about my situation here with M. I truly am able to enjoy it for what it is. In fact, I feel wonderful about it, because what better thing in life than to connect with someone and share a bit of your life with someone, even if it is only a glimpse. I am sure that in 15 years when I come back here I will meet up with him for a drink. It's nice when things are *real*.

:)

Perhaps the cycling was a bit much yesterday, as I'm a little bit off today. I might have to go to the pharmacy to get some antibiotics.

But today I will do art and relax and take it easy.

Oops! Better run or otherwise I'll miss breakfast!

OH! You know, in thinking about financing the whole art thing, I have been thinking that I could set up a consulting company. There are a lot of contracts on which I could bid for the Canadian government. I would need a bit more experience, but I have the research capability and I know the standards usually met by these contracts. And they pay very well. Just a thought.

8:49 a.m. - 2008-09-22

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