enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Cough cough cough. But I'm different. I really am!

ACK! I'm coughing my face off. My cough is at the very worst stage - completely dry and unproductive and set off at the slightest thing. It just won't stop. It's horrible!

Fortunately, when we were biking today - tough, tough ride in the hills - it was fine.

It was a very nice day, but I guess because we had too much alcohol last night and I haven't had a solid night's sleep in at least five days, I was feeling less enthusiastic than usual. I could tell that M. was quite tired, too.

It was still nice. The best part of the day was actually the mroning. He came to pick me up first, and we both had a little bit of energy. We parked the car in Santa Mari! Nov3lla square and had a nice chat as we waited to pick up the other girl. The church was so pretty glowing in the early sunlight, although M. told me that he doesn't like that church as that was where his father's funeral took place when he was 15. Sad.

But then we walked down the street and just coincidentally we saw Santa Maria Nov3lla farmacia. This is the most famous pharmacy-apothecary-perfumeria in Italy, I think. It has been there for 500 years. It is AMAZING inside.

So M. saw it and said that we had to go in, though he didn't think it would be open. It was, in fact, open. So we walked through all of the dark and baroque (yes!) rooms together. There was something very magical and otherworldly. No one else was in there. Afterwards we stopped at coffee bar and had a couple of coffees and a brioche. It was nice.

And then we picked up the girl. All three of the people we had on the ride with us today were great, so it was a good day. We had a nice lunch in a beautiful country trattoria, lots of jokes, etc. As I said I was just a bit flatter than usual. When I think back to this day though I will always just think of those few moments in the morning when it was quiet and special.

In other news though, in spite of the last sentence, I really am over the whole idea of M. It's amazing what a few months can do to evolve a person. I do really like him but I'm not in the same emotional or head space that I was in in May. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't need a guy right now to continue progressing in how I feel. I mean, I do feel quite unattractive at the moment, physically, but not to an extreme degree. It's pretty difficult to feel attractive when you haven't slept, are coughing up a lung, and have the glazed look of a cold victim.

I don't know how to explain it. I guess I can only say that I just feel different. I feel as though I don't need to accept crumbs. I hope that someone wonderful comes along who is really, really into me and and who can be available to do things with me.

But at the same time, I'm happy with moments with M. There are some very sweet and tender moments when he makes a joke with me and we smile at each other. In the restaurant today it was like that. He actually was apologetic about not wanting to do something tonight, but that was furthest from my mind. I want to be alone tonight and to get into bed shortly! :)

And the funny thing is that I am actually looking forward more to spending more time with my friend Joan than I am to spending more time with M. Or maybe they're tied. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but in the few days that I've known Joan, she's been the kind of motherly influence and fun character I wish I could have in my own mother. She's made some keen observations about me and given me some good advice. And yesterday she was so much fun to hang out with before I met M. I think she injected a bit of have fun! be yourself! relax! look good for yourself! into the day. She went with me to buy perfume. She has this great balance between you don't NEED a man, but don't be ashamed to want to look and feel great. She thinks I should colour my drab hair, although she was just offering a suggestion that need not be taken. I think she's opened my eyes to the fact that I don't need to always feel so guilty. I'll bet she has been a fabulous mother to her daughter. The daughter is lucky. Indeed, yesterday and last night were both perfect. I had a great time.

So I'm hoping (fingers crossed!) that I will feel better tomorrow so that I can get up reasonably early and go to a church or a gallery before my class. Tuesday I think that Joan and I are going to Si3na. I'm starting to question the plan of staying here longer, possibly, but that might be because I've been so sick and tired and worn out. No matter what, this trip has probably been dampened a bit by being sick, because my energy level will naturally be a bit lower than usual.

The interesting thing though is that even sick I was by far the strongest person on the ride today. And I wasn't even riding full out. I always surprise myself by what a natural athlete I am. The people on the ride were all athletic and aged 22-28, so that was interesting. I even beat M. up the hills, and he does this for a living. It's funny. But I guess it's good to have a talent of some kind! ;)

OK. This cough is horrible! I do pray that it will be gone tomorrow, or at least significantly reduced. I'd really like to be able to relax and just enjoy being here.

This is meandering and boring so I will just sign off and go and have a cup of tea. And then it's off to bed for me.

Oh! I don't know when I will see M. again. He mentioned some rides, but I have decided that I don't want to miss my class except for Siena. So perhaps I would go on a ride with him next weekend only. I'm not sure. He mentioned that he would like to come with Joan and I to La Traviata on Thursday, so I said that that would be OK. He's not 100 % sure if he can make it, but perhaps he will. He has difficult rides with large groups in the next couple of days (9 people, 11 people, etc.), so it might not work out. And that's OK. I'm sure we'll at least meet for coffee before I go.

It is kind of funny the way that things work out. Last time it was the cycling that was perfect. This time my class turned out to be EXACTLY what I wanted. And the interesting thing about Joan is that I feel that I was fated to meet her. She really has helped me in so many surprising ways. And the funny thing about that random Lux3 Florence book that I bought is that it is EXACTLY up her alley. I gave it to her for the weekend. It's really not me although I find it interesting, but it's almost as though I bought it because I knew I would make a friend who loves that stuff. She's totally unpretentious and everything, but she and her daughter are very interested in fashion. So...fun! I hope that she has picked out a cool chocolate place or something for us to go to. She actually suggested that we do a fancy night out on which we get dressed up to the nines and go out and sit in a posh piazza, and how fun is that? I mean, I would never do that by myself, and that is not M's style, anyhow. I don't know - things have a way of taking you to where you need to be.

OK. Thanks again for your kindness and support. I'm coughing my face off so I am going to go, finally. :)

8:23 p.m. - 2008-09-21

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