enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So how do you spell sour grapes? :)

You know, I put in an earlier entry that was pretty silly.

I just have sour grapes. The world just doesn't want what I have. I have to accept that. I could be sick or poor or whatever. I'm just a plain woman who's generally too factual and analytical. If no one else likes that, I guess that's their problem. :)

I sometimes wonder if that's how the whole spinster librarian thing developed in the first place. You could see these women in small towns and in different times who wanted too much knowledge and who didn't want to get stuck married to a dullard. Or they were plain, and not even a dullard would have them. It shouldn't seem sad to me, but it does. And that's just me speaking from a place in which I feel rejected, uncomfortable.

It's why my mother doesn't like me. Even when I was little I asked too many questions about the world. WHY do you need to know THAT? Why can't you just be NORMAL?

She's just going to love it when I tell her that I'm planning on quitting my job in the next couple of years.

Perhaps I won't tell her. She'd probably try to crush that dream the way that she tried to crush all of the other ones.

The sad part is that she succeeded; she got what she wanted. I did everything that I was supposed to do, except get married and have children. I have the fancy job and the respectable education. And I'm totally miserable. I'm shrivelling up inside. I hate my life. It is lonely and tiresome.

And I really LOATHE having to do the dirty work for a government I don't respect.

I have to take a lot of the blame for this. I realized when I was in my class today that a big part of it was that I was a snob. On average, there are a lot of very clever people studying in economics and math. I wanted to be with those people, to feel better about myself by being a part of that group. And there's a status issue, too. I was brought up to feel that status counts. And I absorbed that for myself only, on some subconscious level; as though I could never be accepted if I were to do something else for a living.

I think that that's one of the beliefs that my anxiety counsellor was saying that you need to hold up to the light. :)

Yeah. A lot of life is about false beliefs. You believe that you have to be someone in particular in order to be loved. I think that that's the strongest and most damaging belief that I have. It all amounts to nothing. Some of the people I love are very clever and have traditional jobs. Some of those I love aren't and don't. I can see these things about other people but I just won't allow myself to live that. Besides, I was basing my original judgment on only one kind of intelligence. It's the kind that I was taught to value, but it's not necessarily the most valuable kind.

It's still the hanging on to the hope that one day my mother will love me and approve of me, and then I can move on.

How funny. Just last week I was saying to Anna that I was sort of calm about that one. It's amazing how persistent belief can be.

So, new project: Start examining beliefs more carefully, so that I can shatter them and move on. I don't want to be living someone else's life anymore. It's so lonely.

8:20 p.m. - 2008-09-15

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