enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Cry me a river

You know, I just wrote a sad entry about how scared and sad I was at work today, about how I cried in my office.

And I did.

When I think about myself, really, I know that in so many ways I am pathetic.

But I just deleted the entry. It's not productive to focus on it. It's me. It's the senior economist. It's not feeling worthwhile and valued and sufficiently productive to satisfy myself.

Life is not perfect so why should I expect mine to be?

I just need to get on with things. Tomorrow I will go into work with a better attitude and will not be thrown off. I will get my work done and then I will come home. I will sign up for a class. Maybe I will meet someone. I will try to keep some hope in my life.

I actually thought when I got back home tonight that I should go back to school to do that PhD in History that I've always wanted to do. But how crazy! It would take forever for me to become a professor! And where would I live?!

No, that is not the solution.

My brain sometimes spins right out of control.

I also did think today about applying for the foreign service campaign this fall. Perhaps I'll do that.

But I do know that for now I should focus on today and on the upcoming trip.

Incidentally, how do you like my clock???

I figured that you could keep tabs on me when I'm in Florence. ;-)

Speaking of which, M. sent me a very nice note out of the blue today. He is sorry that he can't pick me up at the airport. Of course I knew this given that he is on a tour until the 17th. He is on a 7-day tour right now, actually, so that made the note extra nice.

It's nice to know that at least someone in the world wants to spend time with me. Hopefully I'll be able to forget about my job when I'm away.

OK. C. has ordered me to try for positive thoughts, and also to make myself a decent dinner. I should do that. I've already eaten half a jar of peanut butter though. Not a good idea...

;)

9:04 p.m. - 2008-09-03

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