enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Wholesome. Meditative. Clearly focused on diffusing the anxiety, viewing work with the perspective it merits.

It's funny to note, but that entry that I wrote earlier comes across as so negative!

It's funny how things can be in writing, vs. how they are. I think you'd be shocked to see how steady I am in person. People always tell me that I'm steady and dependable. It's so funny how the surface differs from the interior monologue!

I don't feel at all well today, physically - I'm not sure if it is too much biking or allergies or something, but I have a splitting headache.

At the same time I feel constructive, OK, and ready to face tomorrow. I'll work hard again tomorrow, work to control anxiety, and then we have a three-day weekend.

It's just not worth it to get hung up on blips like the last couple of days.

I think when I wrote the bit about the senior economist earlier today, it was just something that I needed to get out. Sometimes one just needs to let out the frustration. And then it's not a pox on the body. I actually dismissed the issue quite quickly this evenign. I was in my bedroom sorting clothes and I laughed to myself because I realized that work just isn't important enough to get so wound up about it. I've made a few elementary rules pertaining to how much intrusion I'll accept from the senior arsehole, and I'll put my foot down to other intrusions. Really, there is no need to be excessively polite; I have every right to ask that he respect my work environment and not harrass or manipulate me. The big issue is doing it in a way that won't set up a turf war with him - I want space and peace, not battles.

I do hope that I don't get sick, but that's the future and this is now.

Now I'm trying to tire myself out so that I can get a good sleep.

C. was just over, and that was nice. He seems so relaxed now that he has printed his thesis and is ready to drop it off tomorrow. I couldn't be prouder if I had finished it myself. We started together and at least one of us finished.

I was explaining to C. that I truly am completely healed over leaving my dissertation unfinished. I've learned in life that you do what you have to do at the time, and you absolutely cannot see past experience through a current lens. It doesn't work. And I'm not in the place to blame anyone.

Instead of blaming my evil supervisor at this point, I'll chalk it up to insufficient passion on my part. I didn't want to follow through. And that's OK. I have a feeling that as I finally start to take art courses and Italian courses and whatever other courses I might take in my future life, it will become easier for me to allow myself to do the things that I truly ENJOY. I've spent my entire life doing the things that I felt OBLIGATED to do. And that's not enough. It will get easier. I feel assured of that.

And I certainly feel no less worthy for not finishing my Ph.D. In many ways I've found a way to do better work with my many years of training than I would have done had I continued to burrow myself into a corner in the way that I was doing.

So anyhow. Things are OK. I wish the splitting headache would abate, but I have a feeling that things will level out. I was rather stupid last night in that it was cool but I was sweating, so I left my overtop wrapped around my waist and probably caught a chill. I should know better.

I just never learn. I would always end up with inflamed sinuses after a run in either cold rain or cold air in insufficient garments. Right now I can tell that I have a temperature as even my eyes are burning! And it feels as though someone has reached in and is squeezing the area behind my forehead as hard as he or she can do.

OK. Be well. Hugs to all!

11:49 p.m. - 2008-08-28

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